I was surfing around through my old posts, looking for an appropriate one to share, and I came across this post I originally published October 13, 2008, the same month I began my blog.
I struggle every day with who I am. I am different because of the Fibromyalgia. I am not the independent, fiercely productive person I once was.
Every morning I envy (but am grateful for) my husband and his ability to jump out of bed, hop into the shower, and rush out the door on his way to a destination where he knows his purpose and is able to perform at a high level. I lie in bed with muscle soreness, a dizzy head and complete exhaustion and wonder, “how am I going to contribute today?”
And it is not simply how am I going to contribute to my house and my husband, but how am I going to contribute to my physical and emotional wellbeing, and how am I going to contribute to the world around me.
Sometimes it is the smallest things I do that contribute the most and make me feel the best. I dry my hands on a dishtowel rather than a paper towel. Yippee! I just saved a tree. I pick up the wrapper from a straw that a fellow patron at the coffee shop has let the wind take away. She doesn’t know it, but I do and it makes me feel good.
There are days when I let the wrapper blow away. Days when I tell myself I am in too much pain to bother, but I never feel good about those moments. I always feel that I have given up or given in to the Fibromyalgia. If too many of those moments build up I get depressed, and then it becomes even harder to live productively with FM.
That is the point I am trying to make. I struggle to be a better person for myself. To be someone that, in spite of all that is different in my life, I still feel useful and productive, and that in very small ways I am contributing to my world. By trying to be conscientious and selfless I am being selfish, because I am the one who benefits the most. And the small things add up. They really do make a difference.
So what did I do that was so great today? Nothing so far, but the day is not over. I still have time.
Wow! Rereading this post really took me back. It really made me take a moment and reflect on how much has changed in the 18 months since I began this blog.
And that is what I want you to know about me: I have changed. I am different. I am improved.
I am no longer at the mercy of Fibromyalgia. I am a participant in my health, not an onlooker. And I got here by making many small changes:
I created a community, starting with this blog, which brought people like Kathy into my life. I began sharing more and worring less because I have a greater support foundation to rely on.
I began doing research and filtering the abundance of information on Fibromyalgia to determine what fit best for me. I determined a holistic approach was more appropriate for me than the pharmaceutical approach taken by most doctors.
I added supplements to my daily care.
I slowed down…… and took many baby steps to avoid making those painful leaps.
This has been a true journey, and I am so grateful for how far I have come. It was not without work, setbacks, and a lot of effort. But the foundation for my change came from the belief that I could improve, and that it was up to me to figure out how.
I am still frequently tired and dizzy in the mornings. I still have daily symptoms. I am not always able to contribute. But my progress is discernible.
I hope this encourages you. I hope you are able to look closely at your daily habits and routines, and distinguish what nourishes you from what holds you back. There are many components to Fibromyalgia we cannot control. Take a look at what you can, and honor yourself by making the best choices for your particular situation. You can change. You can improve. Believe it!