There are times in this journey of mine that I am simply tired and depleted, and I have brief moments of defeat when I think – “What is this all about? Why do I bother? Who am I kidding?”
Sometimes they happen when, after several days of feeling good, I wake up in the kind of pain that is impossible to reason. Or they happen when I reflect on how long I have been sick, and how long it is going to take me to heal. Sometimes they happen for no specific reason at all. I just get tired of the work, tired of the journey, and I just want to stop.
But I don’t stop – for too long anyway. And the thing that propels me forward and makes me keep showing up is this – the moments.
There are moments in our lives, moments that when they happen make us say: “Ah-ha, this is it! This is what it is all about.” Sometimes they happen when I am on my yoga mat and all the pieces come together and I feel nothing but joy. Or they happen at a support group function when I see a member’s face transform from agony to acceptance over the course of the evening. They can happen in a phone call, or from an email, or an exchange on facebook. They happen all the time. We just have to be aware and present to receive them.
Yesterday I scheduled a last minute group meditation at the Chopra Center. It is something we do together once a month, but I missed the one earlier this month, so I scheduled an extra one just for me. As I was heading out the door, for a moment, I had the urge not to go. It had been a long day – 2 1/2 hours of yoga teacher training followed by 90 minutes of gentle yoga at the YMCA. I was tired, and could easily have stayed home, especially since no other members had signed up to go. But I showed up – for me – because meditation nourishes me, and I was pleased to be joined by another member at the last minute.
Group meditation can be powerful, taking you much deeper into your practice, but it can also create unique challenges. A few minutes after we were seated in meditation, a late-comer burst in the door, literally crashed into the chairs, and then took about 3 minutes to get settled. THEN the very loud band started playing at the nearby restaurant (end of summer festivities). AND THEN the very loud late-comer began snoring and snorting! At one point I had to focus very hard to keep from laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all!
It is the most distracted I have ever been during a meditation, and yet I still felt restored by it. Walking back to my car I realized I was not nearly as fatigued as when I arrived. I am certain I was not in deep meditation for too long because of all the distractions, but however much I did was enough. I am so glad I showed up. If I had stayed home I would have been feeding my fatigue rather than nourishing myself. And it was great spending some one on one time with a member who need some guidance.
So all in all, there were several moments last night to keep me going – and keep me laughing. I cherish those moments, and that is why I keep showing up – because you just never know when one will appear.