Celebrating Showing Up

On this day last year, I showed up for my very first day of yoga teacher training. I showed up, and I wasn’t even enrolled. I was #7 on the wait list, but sitting home, waiting for an email letting me know a space had opened up didn’t feel right, so I showed up.

And the class was full, and there wasn’t a space, but I approached the teacher anyways, and before she could tell me “No, sorry, there is no space for you.” I had blurted out my story – “14 years of chronic illness, was introduced to yoga last year, the only movement I have been able to do, feeling so much better, want to understand why, want to share with others…” “Okay, okay” she said to me,” go sit down. You are in.”

Those three little words changed my life. Literally. This past year has been a roller coaster of self discovery, improved health, and a deeper, more meaningful existence. I see the world with a completely new lens, a more loving, compassionate, and hopeful lens. And it is all do to the practice and philosophy of yoga – and to the fact that I keep showing up – even with my ever present chronic illness and when the old instincts to shut down, isolate, and retreat are loudly screaming at me. I grab my mat, step out the door, and do the best I can that day. And if my best is just being there, that is what I do. I show up.

Celebrating My Birthday & Re-Birthday

On this day last year I was reborn, a new person, a new me. And I really like the new me. I still have a lot of kinks to work out, and a lot more to explore and discover about myself. It is a lifelong process. But the changes have been radical and significant. And here is the really cool thing about this day. It is my actual birthday. I was born on this day 42 years ago. For 42 years on this day I have celebrated my birthday, but today this day has new and deeper significance.

I didn’t have to show up to yoga school on this day last year, in fact I almost didn’t. I told myself it was just not meant to be at that time, and I could sign up again when the new program began. In fact, I had convinced myself it was a good thing I did not get in because it meant I would have more time to heal and strengthen my body, and to improve my personal practice. But something drove me to show up – my gut, my intuition, my desire to heal. I am so glad I listened.

Celebrating You

So today I have a lot to celebrate. Today is a very good day. And I am so fortunate and blessed to have this wonderful community to share my happiness with. Yes, I created FibroHaven, and yes, I organize and facilitate FibroHaven, but it would be nothing if not for you. If not for each of you who shows up in your own way – at local meetings, leaving comments on this blog, commenting and interacting on our incredible Facebook page – if not for each of you showing up, there would be no community. So thank you – thank you for adding to my blessings and giving me so much to celebrate today and everyday.

I am committed to continue to bring all my growth, improvements, and insights back to FibroHaven. Look for a new post in The Blue Print Series soon, and other exciting news about what I am doing personally that is going to help enrich our community. I have said it before, but never tire of saying it – Community is Everything.

Thank you!

Much Love & Celebration,

Dannette

Healing from chronic illness is so much more complicated than just treating the symptoms. Prescription meds may help us cope, but they do not correct the original imbalances that led to dis-ease. And with difficult-to-understand illnesses like fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, it is not always possible to pinpoint just one specific cause. Often it is a series of causes like a traumatic event experienced while in the midsts of some other type of recurring life stressors. There are many different types of traumas that can lead to chronic illness – physical, emotional, viral, environmental. With so many possible factors, it is easy to see why treatment is so difficult.

Knowing your trigger.

When putting together my blueprint, it was easy for me to pinpoint the exact moment when my trigger was switched – the day I broke the porcelain toilet with my head. Yes, I would definitely say that qualifies as a trigger. And the immediate downward spiral of my health from that day on is a clear indicator that the physical trauma opened the door to chronic illness. So I can with confidence say that my trigger was physical. That is the easy part. But what I must also consider is how my lifestyle leading up to the trauma left me predisposed to developing chronic illness.

Not everyone who suffers a debilitation head trauma ends up with fibromyalgia.

The concussion and brain trauma that resulted were expected outcomes to the physical trauma, but the pain and fatigue that increased daily were not. So why did I end up with fibromyalgia after the head trauma? Was I genetically predisposed to it? Did my lifestyle leading up to the accident leave me vulnerable to chronic illness? In both cases I believe the answer to be yes. But I am not a medical professional, and I cannot change or debate my genetics, so I am only going to focus on my lifestyle leading up to the event.

Busier is not always better.

I had what I thought at the time to be a very healthy and active lifestyle. I had a great job, a fun and active social life, I exercised regularly, ate well, was in a healthy relationship  - sounds pretty perfect, right? Well upon reflection it was not so perfect after all. In reality I was wound so tight that I was just waiting to snap. I never said no to anything. I was always on the go, never really taking the time to relax and enjoy my life. I was simply pushing through one experience to get to the next, like a small child who won’t drift off to sleep for fear of missing out on something. I had to be engaged and involved in everything because it was how I defined myself – “I am Dannette, the girl with the most active and full life ever!” With or without the head trauma, my lifestyle was eventually going to catch up with me. A crash was inevitable.

So while I can easily state that my trigger was physical, the depleted state of my being leading up to the physical trauma likely left me vulnerable to the prolonged crash of chronic illness.

Why is it so important to understand all of this? Again, I am not a medical professional, so this is all theory on my part based on living many years with chronic illness, and my current experience with improved health. The reason I think it is so important to understand the trigger is because I believe it will best inform how we should approach our own unique blueprints for healing.

My trauma was physical and so is my treatment.

Unless this is your first time reading my blog, you know that I directly attribute the healing I am experiencing to my regular practice of yoga. I was very athletic leading up to my accident, and tried many times over the course of the first 13 years of my illness to return to my former athletic ways, only to fail and end up in miserable pain. When I discovered the healing powers of gentle and restorative yoga, my body responded immediately. I found movement without pain! And because of the neurological nature of FM, yoga is an excellent mindful movement to practice as it regulates and balances the central nervous system.

I did not have any viral issues to address, like so many people with FM and CFS do, so in a way I am fortunate. My blueprint is pretty direct. I have seen tremendous improvements by incorporating gentle movement back into my life, and by addressing several other contributing issues like food allergies (eliminating gluten), and toxicity (heavy metals).

Of course this is a simplified explanation of the many years of trial and error it took me to piece my blueprint together, but I believe if each of us take the steps to really address and acknowledge our triggers, we can begin to piece together a blueprint for healing. Take a long and truthful glance back on your life before the trigger. Were there other factors of your lifestyle that may have left you vulnerable? A difficult marriage or childhood? This would require adding an emotional healing component to your blueprint. Do you see where I am going with this?

I am no longer the girl who thinks I need to say yes to everyone and everything. In fact I try very hard to participate in only things that nourish me, and eliminate people and activities from my life that do not. Healing requires effort, and sometimes we have to make hard choices. It also requires us to be able to honestly reflect on how we, unknowingly or not, contribute to our own illness. It is only with awareness that we can make progress. So if you are ready to begin you blueprint, start here: What’s your trigger?

It is true that my current journey in yoga teacher training school is keeping me from the work I began with FibroHaven. I write less here, I share less on facebook, and I am scheduling fewer in person meetings. But my love of FH has not faltered.

The truth is, I am just doing what I frequently urge each of you to do. I am honoring myself, my body, and the unpredictable nature of this condition we all live with by not doing more than I can, and by not allowing myself to feel guilty for the things I am not doing.

I have always said it is important to me to let FH develop organically. The reason for this is because it allows for variance and change. I give all that I can in each moment, which means some moments I am here and present, and others I am quietly in the background, but I am never far.

And she is absolutely right. One way or another, my certification as a yoga instructor will eventually tie into FibroHaven. Maybe in the form of podcasts, or a DVD, or wellness retreats. I am not quite sure yet, but my love for FibroHaven is equal if not greater to my love of yoga. Both inspire me. Both make me feel complete. Who knows where all this is going to lead? I don’t yet, but even if it doesn’t look like anything much is happening, I promise, it is.

It’s been one of those weeks.

One of those weeks when all I have wanted to do is shut myself up in my room and lose myself in books, movies, and God willing, some good sleep. It is my (and I am sure most of our) default position to “retreat” and isolate when I am feeling bad. And it is a desire I have given in to many times throughout my illness.

But I have noticed something.

I have noticed that by staying present and showing up for my life and my responsibilities, I am frequently rewarded with beautiful distractions from the symptoms that would otherwise consume me.

This has been an incredibly high pain week for me. In the past my pain would have been the reason for not moving, but I am in yoga school now, and I cannot make the decision to isolate myself without making the decision to miss the instruction I find so deeply rewarding.

Tuesday

So Tuesday morning I dragged my stiff, aching body to an 8AM yoga class. For ninety minutes I moved, stretched, and warmed my body from the inside out, and while still very much present, my pain became more tolerable.

But then the class work began, and for three hours we sat discussing the philosophy of yoga. Several times throughout the day, as my body got stiffer and stiffer, I told myself “Just go home.” But I stayed. I stayed because I knew my misery would not change if I were home alone with it, and I very much wanted to be present for the lessons of the day. So I stayed.

We ended the day with another 90 minute yoga session, and while still experiencing pain, I was better than I had been in the morning – and much better than if I had stayed home all day focusing on my pain.

Wednesday

Wednesday evening we had a support group meeting. I started our local group because I understand the need for community – the need to connect with others who understand how you are feeling. But I was miserable, and did not want to go. Yet at 6:30 I found myself there, surrounded by other members having an equally bad day (week, month). We ate and talked and had a really great time – the very best reward for making the effort and commitment  to show up.

Thursday

Thursday was much the same as Tuesday – yoga class all day. In my mind Wednesday evening I was preparing the email I was going to send to my instructor, explaining why I was not in class Thursday morning, and yet Thursday morning came, and there I found myself – stretching and moving with my fellow classmates.

After our morning practice, we sat in a circle and did what my teacher calls “checking in.” Each student takes a minute to share where they are and how they are feeling about their practice. I sat and listened as student after student shared what drives them and motivates them in their practice – what inspires them to keep showing up. Again, I was deeply humbled by the universal nature of suffering.

From divorce and custody issues, to the death of a parent, to abuse and addiction, to just generally being lost about the purpose of life –  there was a lot of pain being worked out and worked through in that room. After everyone had shared we sat silently, absorbing the beauty of the moment, and then my teacher asked, “How many of you feel better just by being here today?” Every hand in the room went up.

Community

On FibroHaven’s Facebook page I wrote this: There is nothing I can do alone that isn’t infinitely improved with the support of community. I founded FibroHaven on this belief: Community is everything. I directly attribute my growth and healing to the strength I gain by surrounding myself and connecting with those in the communities I have chosen to be a part of. Most people in my yoga community do not know I live with fibromyalgia. It is not important that they do know. I have my support group for that. What is important is that I have found (or created) communities that nourish and sustain me, and most importantly communities that inspire me to keep showing up.

What motivates and nourishes you?

What do you love? Where do you find community? It doesn’t have to be through yoga. And some people even shy away from support groups. But each of us has something that we love and that inspires us. Is it reading and discussing books? Check out your library for a local book club. Is it knitting? What a great way to spend some time, knitting and sharing patterns and design ideas with like-minded people. Do you love your church? Maybe there is a committee you can volunteer for. Or if you are interested in volunteer work, find a cause you are passionate about and volunteer for them.

There are days when yes, it is best to honor your body and rest. But I think we have all experienced the days when somehow we managed to show up to a scheduled event, and were rewarded for doing so with laughter and a lighter heart. You walk into a room and see a familiar smile, and your face feels lighter. You hear a familiar laugh and your heart warms. We need community, even if only for a much needed and welcomed distraction from the reality of living with chronic illness.

Friday

Today is Friday, and my pain is better. Showing up this week did not make me worse or increase my pain. Showing up this week nourished me, and encouraged me to keep showing up. That is what community does.

So you think I may be exaggerating just a little?

You have tried meditation and it is just not for you. You can’t quiet your mind long enough to feel any of the benefits I am talking about. I have heard many reasons for not meditating, and I understand if my personal experience is not quite enough to sway you to try meditation. Hopefully this recent study on mindfulness meditation will help you to see the value in starting your own regular meditation practice.

(PhysOrg.com) — Participating in an 8-week mindfulness meditation program appears to make measurable changes in brain regions associated with memory, sense of self, empathy and stress.

“Although the practice of meditation is associated with a sense of peacefulness and physical relaxation, practitioners have long claimed that meditation also provides cognitive and psychological benefits that persist throughout the day,” says Sara Lazar, PhD, of the MGH Psychiatric Neuroimaging Research Program, the study’s senior author. “This study demonstrates that changes in brain structure may underlie some of these reported improvements and that people are not just feeling better because they are spending time relaxing.”

“It is fascinating to see the brain’s plasticity and that, by practicing meditation, we can play an active role in changing the brain and can increase our well-being and quality of life.” says Britta Hölzel, PhD, first author of the paper and a research fellow at MGH and Giessen University in Germany.

The uplifted feeling I get after sitting in meditation is not just because I took a few moments to sit quietly and relax, it is because my brain is being reconstructed. The participants in this 8 week study reported meditating for an average of 27 minutes a day. Analysis of MR images, which focused on areas where meditation-associated differences were seen in earlier studies, found increased grey-matter density in the hippocampus, known to be important for learning and memory, and in structures associated with self-awareness, compassion and introspection.

Meditation actually changes our brain structure.

I have tried several different styles of meditation, and the type of meditation I chose on any given day really depends on how active my mind is. There are some schools that believe there is only one way to meditate properly. I am not enrolled in any of those schools.

If you read Eat, Pray, Love and are unexperienced in meditation, you may think the meditation described in the book is the only way to practice – sitting for hours in pain, judging yourself harshly until your mind cooperates and quiets down, taking four months in an ashram to finally achieve a good meditation practice. It does not have to be that difficult.

Many of us have participated in the Chopra Center 21 Day Meditation Challenge.

It is a great and gentle introduction into different types of meditation, and in fact the Winter 21 Day Challenge began today. It is not too late to sign up if you are interested. The meditations last an average of 15 minutes each. They are guided by The Chopra Center’s lead educator Davidji. His voice is soothing and seductive as he guides participants through a different meditation technique each day. I highly recommend this challenge if you are considering starting your own meditation practice and would like to be eased into it.

For another simple, yet powerful breathing meditation practice, Thich Nhat Hanh’s Conscious Breathing Practice never fails to center me.

From Peace is Every Step, by Thich Nhat Hanh

“There are a number of breathing techniques you can use to make life vivid and more enjoyable. The first exercise is very simple. As you breathe in, you say to yourself, “Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.” And as you breathe out, say, “Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.” Just that. You recognize your in-breath as an in-breath and your out-breath as an out-breath. You don’t even need to recite the whole sentence; you can use just two words: “In” and “Out.” This technique can help you keep your mind on your breath. As you practice, your breath will become peaceful and gentle, and your mind and body will also become peaceful and gentle. This is not a difficult exercise. In just a few minutes you can realize the fruit of meditation.”

So tonight, after I finish writing and editing this post, I am going to roll out my mat, light some incense, and sit silently in meditation. And in doing so I will let go of the frustrations of my day, and prepare myself to sleep a peaceful, restorative sleep. The ten, twenty, or thirty minutes I dedicate to my meditation practice will continue to serve me for hours after. That’s a pretty good trade off of time don’t you think?

I have learned many things so far on my path, and the one lesson that appears repeatedly is that this is a process.

Healing takes time, and although I am caring for myself better than I ever have, there is still an unpredictable nature to fibromyalgia I cannot avoid. Setbacks, sidesteps, and distractions are all part of the process. That is an important point to emphasis – they are PART OF THE PROCESS. They do not separate me from the process, but they do challenge me to redirect my focus and discipline myself to get back on track when the distraction has passed.

The retreat I attended took place at a beautiful desert center in the community of Joshua Tree – the same Joshua Tree that inspired U2′s fifth album. The setting was beautiful and serene and COLD! Each building at the retreat center was designed by famed architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Wright designed buildings in a way to bring the outside in, meaning there were lots and lots of uncovered windows giving a sense that we were sitting in nature rather than a in building. Beautiful and quirky yes, but the design also made the rooms drafty and cool.

Our first evening we settled in the great room by the cozy fireplace for a restorative yoga practice. I chose an unfortunate place to lay my mat, and within 5 minutes I began flaring up from the cold draft hitting the back of my neck. I moved my mat to a more comfortable spot closer to the fire and was able to really enjoy the practice, but the damage was already done. I was in a flare.

One of the things I love most about yoga is the gentle way it warms my body from the inside out.

It is like an internal heating pad! And for a person with a regulated central nervous system, this internal warming would have corrected any discomfort caused by the cold draft. But for me it was too late.

I lay in bed that first night unable to sleep because of the extreme pain in my neck and head. The house started buzzing early that next morning with energy and excitement so I got up to join in. In truth I was pretty miserable, but I did not want to shut myself off from the other amazing women who were a part of the retreat. I was drawn to the buzz of energy and sound of laughter.

The last thing I wanted from this retreat was to experience a flare while I was there, but I chose not to let it become the focus of my experience. Instead I tailored my experience around it.

I participated in the gentle morning yoga practice but skipped the active evening session. I made sure I had plenty to eat and drank lots of water to keep hydrated in the dry desert air. And I accepted the help when my massage therapist friend generously offered to work on my neck. Massage is something I have resisted for some reason, and oh how silly of me! The tension in my neck was so great from the cold draft that my left eye was twitching uncontrollably. She was able to release the tension and helped me to assure my flare would be shorted lived and that I would be able to enjoy my remaining time at the retreat. I also credit my regular yoga practice for decreasing my flares and recovery time.

Today I am in what I call the “hang-over” stage of a flare.

The worst is over, but I still need to be mindful not to over do it and re-trigger. I know the gentle yoga sessions helped me, along with the wonderful massage, but in truth the thing that helped me most was the friendship and community I felt there.

I had the option of staying in my room to rest and recover, but instead I chose to interact with the wonderful women there. Their kindness, sharing, and laughter restored me and helped me remember I do not suffer alone. I was the only woman at the retreat with fibromyalgia, but each woman there is dealing with her own type of suffering – depression, addiction, abuse – and their honesty and bravery inspired me. I felt safe and understood amongst them.

It was unfortunate that I experienced a flare while at the retreat, but in a way it opened me up even greater to the experience, and because I was open about how I was feeling and did not try to hide it,  it became an avenue for others to share their own pains and struggles.

It is so humbling and empowering to recognize that we are not unique in our struggles, and most especially to recognize that we are not alone. We all live with our own particular pains and suffering. It is how we deal with those pains that either separates us or brings us together.

The Benefits:

Yoga heals. A recent study on yoga for fibromyalgia conducted at Oregon Health & Science University confirms what I have been experiencing since beginning my yoga practice 18 months ago – “yoga appears to assist in combating a number of serious fibromyalgia symptoms, including pain, fatigue, stiffness, poor sleep, depression, poor memory, anxiety and poor balance. All of these improvements were shown to be not only statistically but also clinically significant, meaning the changes were large enough to have a practical impact on daily functioning. For example, pain was reduced in the yoga group by an average of 24 percent, fatigue by 30 percent and depression by 42 percent.”

Yoga is a joyful practice, and the results are undeniable as is clearly demonstrated in my own personal experience and the above referenced study. I cannot say it enough. Yoga heals!

I can, and am getting better! I am not only feeling physically stronger, I am also feeling mentally and spiritually stronger. I have hope. I have joy. I have peace. I have a new love and enthusiasm for life that I have not experienced in many years.

We are not alone in our suffering. One of the unexpected benefits of the teacher training program is the camaraderie I have found with the other students. Suffering is not unique to fibromyalgia, and the program has reminded me of this. Each of the students was drawn to yoga from a different need, and listening to the stories of others has helped me understand how universal suffering is, which has allowed me to let go of the limiting belief that anything I am experiencing is unique or unusual.

I do not have to accept the level of suffering I have been living with for 14 years. Suffering is found in more than just the physical manifestation of FM. It can also appear as self-judgement and criticism, guilt and regret, isolation and silence. These are all conditions we create in response to our illness, but they are also conditions we can change. As we being to improve our mental and emotional suffering, our physical suffering improves naturally – and vice versa.  Love yourself. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Embrace your body’s natural ability to renew and restore. It can and it will if you nurture it properly. You are worth the effort!

The Challenges:

I still have symptoms and must remember to continue to listen to my body and honor what I am feeling. I experience so much joy in movement, but given the neurological nature of FM, it is possible and even likely to over do it and trigger a flare. It is not in the practice of yoga that I find myself overdoing it, but in the routine of my daily life. Because I have so much more energy and much less pain, it is easy to get carried away and take on too much. I do not want to slip back into the unhealthy patterns that lead up to and contributed to the severity of my FM – always on the go, saying yes to everything and everyone, never slowing down to enjoy the moment and breathe! But the good news is that when I do experience the symptoms of a flare, they are shorter and less intense. I recover more quickly. I am hopeful that the 2 week and 2 month flares are behind me!

Taken in Sedona AZ after a 3 hour hike - something I could not have done just one year ago.

If I had to nail down the one thing that has benefited me the most, it would be the understanding that I can and do control my health. Fibromyalgia is a very real condition, but that does not mean it is a permanent condition. We have options, and there are things we can do and lifestyle changes we can make that will diminish the symptoms we experience. I have no idea if I will ever completely eliminate the symptoms I experience, but I am continuing to improve and better my quality of life. If I only improve to the percentages stated in the study above, that is enough improvement for me. But I believe I will improve much more!

As much as I want each one of you to experience the same improvements I am, I understand that we all must take our own journeys. Yoga may not be your exercise of choice, and that is okay, as long as you choose something that improves your health and slowly betters your quality of life. Did I mention it has taken me 18 months to get to where I am? It does not happen overnight, and it certainly has not been a straight line from my first yoga class to the teacher training program I am in today. If I had to map it out it would make us all dizzy! But there has been a lot of joy in the journey so far, and I have a lot of motivation to continue on, regardless of the obstacles and dangerous turns ahead.

Make the choice – choose to improve, choose an exercise you love, choose to feed your body the foods that nourish and heal, choose to love and forgive yourself, choose to love and forgive others, choose health. It is possible. The choice is yours!

If one advances confidently in the direction of their dream, endeavoring to live the life they are imagining, he will put somethings behind. He will pass the invisible boundary. ~Emerson

I dream of being whole. I dream of healing. I dream of living with passion and with purpose and without pain. I am not there yet, but I am headed confidently in that direction.

After one month of yoga teacher training, I am certain I am on the right path. In this short time I have learned that although suffering exists, so too does happiness, and I have the ability to nurture my happiness, which in turn diminishes my suffering.

I have learned there are specific causes of suffering I have control over – what I eat, what I think, how I react. I can choose to nurture rather than deplete. We can all make this choice.

I am learning to live a mindful life – mindful of how I contribute to my suffering. Awareness is key. I am aware of my suffering, and aware that in me is the ability to acknowledge suffering while not living in suffering. It is imperative that I acknowledge my suffering if I ever hope to move past it. I can never understand a part of myself that I ignore or that I deny. Cessation of suffering comes only with awareness.

With awareness our actions are liberating and creative. When we are unmindful, we become caught in our conditioning and reactivity, and this conditioned reactivity keeps us bound to the cycle of suffering. ~Frank Jude Boccio, Mindfulness Yoga

I have been aware of the physical benefits of yoga for some time. That is why I made the decision to enroll in teacher training – I knew it would continue to help me heal, and in turn I could continue to inspire others to do the same. But I was not expecting the spiritual growth I am now experiencing. I was not mindful – but I am heading confidently in that direction.

Yoga is mind-body-spirit.

Yoga is all encompassing.

Yoga is life.

Yoga is gently leading me through the invisible boundaries.

What do you do when you are having a relatively good day, but suddenly hit a wall? Do you push through, or do you slow down and give in to it? There is a BIG brick wall looming just ahead of me. Can’t decide if I want to try and hurdle it or lay down before I smash my face into it! Let’s discuss. I would love to know how you manage.

There were many great responses that are worth taking the time to read. After reading them I knew I wanted to continue the conversation with a new blog post, and as often happens in life, I was further inspired to do so by my yoga practice today.

I was in a new class with a new instructor. This is always a thrilling and completely terrifying experience for me. Will I be able to keep up? What is their teaching style – gentle and nurturing or kick-butt boot camp style?

The teacher has a dramatic effect on your yoga experience and sets the tone for the entire practice. My favorites are the gentle leaders who guide with simple, clear directives and encourage everyone to honor where they are on that particular day. A good yoga instructor understands that our bodies can be different from day to day – even from morning to afternoon, and afternoon to evening. This is just one of the reasons why yoga – with the right instructor – is an excellent mindful movement for fibromyalgia. But I digress…

Just a few moments into my practice, I knew I had chosen the right class. He was gentle and clear, explaining how to elongate the spine while bending gently to the side. With my eyes closed, I focused on his voice and his directions, and found new joy in a pose I have done many times. It was a great “ah-ha” moment and my body responded with pleasure.

And then he said something that I felt like a wave rushing through my entire body:

Find the space between pleasure and pain, and rest there.

I was instantly overwhelmed with the intention and deep meaning that statement held for me. Much deeper than the obvious benefit it was to my practice on my mat that day – it is something we can all apply directly to living well with chronic illness everyday. Read it again. Read it several times. Read it out loud.

Find the space between pleasure and pain, and rest there.

How does it make you feel? For me, I felt empowered – empowered to know that space exists and empowered to know I was learning how to find it.

The space between pleasure and pain. This concept is difficult for the fibromyalgia sufferer. It is a space many do not know how to reach. And even if we do reach it, we may not be able to appreciate it, as we have become conditioned to brace ourselves for the next surge of pain. Admit it, some of you think finding this space is as likely as finding a unicorn there when you reach it. Right?

But this space is real. It does exist. We just need to learn to quiet ourselves long enough to find it, and then trust it enough to relax into it.  It is like finding the silence between our thoughts with meditation – the silence is there, we just have to learn to find it. It takes effort. It takes practice. It requires mindfulness. But it is real.

Rest. A simple word that is a difficult concept for those of us living with chronic illness. Often we are forced to rest, and it is anything but restful. Then, sometimes we chose to rest, but we are distracted by all the other “more productive” things we can be doing with our time. We fail to see how productive resting truly is.

Like all mindful approaches to living, embracing and living in the restful moments is a process. It takes work. How ridiculous does that sound? It takes work to learn how to rest. I wrote it. I believe it. And it still makes me chuckle reading it.

In general, our culture does not embrace rest. We have been conditioned to make the most of every moment. Multitask. Leave no stone unturned. But what bad could possibly happen by leaving a few stones be while you embrace the joy and restoration of rest? Really? Why can’t we learn to love the silence and enjoy the rest?

We can, but it is going to take work – and practice. We have a lot of conditioning to undo. And it is not going to undo itself. Through yoga and meditation – I am starting to come undone. I am unraveling and letting go of the tension I held so rigidly to for years. My space between the pleasure and the pain is growing and I am learning to rest there. I am learning to embrace my chosen moments of rest, rather than wait for the brick wall to force me into it.

You have that space too. We all do. Even on the days when you are certain it does not exist, it does. If you believe it, you can begin to find your way to it – and rest.

It was fascinating to me reading all of your comments. The first thing that became clear was – we want to heal! Everyone was so encouraged and excited about a resource tailored specifically to our needs, and to my testimonial as to how much yoga has improved my life. I was inspired by your enthusiasm.

Second there was the always present hesitation and fear we have all acquired through years of conditioned response to our symptoms. We hurt, and we tire of hurting, so we have become conditioned to avoiding and eliminating the things that cause us pain or that we even suspect may cause us pain. Completely reasonable, right?

My first experience with yoga was miserable. The teacher would have been better suited as a bootcamp instructor. There was nothing gentle or nourishing about her or her teachings. My fear of that painful experience closed my mind to yoga as a resource. Thank goodness I met someone to guide me to the true practice of yoga.

That is my hope for each of you. I hope that if I talk about it enough, maybe one, two, or even more of you will find a local teacher to guide you. For 13 years my muscles were a frozen, painful mess. With yoga they are quietly and slowly melting, releasing all the years of pain and tension. I want nothing less for each of you!

Thanks to everyone who left a comment. I plan to have more giveaways soon!