Writing is a passion I can always remember having. When I was a young girl we lived in a very old house. My bedroom walls were covered with many layers of wallpaper. On a particular wall in my room there was a small hole hidden under the thick layers of wallpaper. I would sit and write letters about my inner most thoughts and feelings, and then I would neatly fold my letters and tuck them deep inside my bedroom walls. Thought after thought, and letter after letter rested inside those walls. For all I know the letters are still there.

Each letter I wrote helped me to release my fears, anxieties, and depressions. They gave me hope and made me feel connected to a source greater than myself. I always felt powerful and connected after writing my letters, although at the time I could not have expressed who or what I was connecting to. In fact I would address my letter to the unseen and all-knowing To Whom it May Concern. It gave me a sense of comfort to believe that there was someone/something that was concerned.

When I began this blog just over two years ago, in a sense it became that little hole in the wall for me – my space to share and process all my thoughts, fears, failures, triumphs, and epiphanies. And each of you became my To Whom it May Concern. And to my surprise my letters did not sit unnoticed. You took notice, whether you responded with a comment or a personal email, or even just read my letters and moved on, you have been here and given me the strength to continue writing. It has been a beautiful thing in my life, the catalyst really for my healing, and I thank you!

So when I am asked by FibroHaven members if I think they would benefit from starting a blog, my answer is always an emphatic YES! Whether you are passionate about writing or not, it is one of the most therapeutic things we can do. The benefits are endless.

From Health Benefits of Journal Writing, by Felice Willat

Marlene A. Schiwy, in her book A Voice of Her Own, talks about the healing dimensions of journal writing: “To create wholeness in our lives is to heal ourselves. Healing comes from the same root as whole and holiness. It is the attainment of wholeness of body, mind, emotions and spirit. For many women, The journal provides a gentle setting in which healing can take place. It offers one place where literally and symbolically, all of the pieces of one’s life finally come together.” And Lucia Cappaccione, author of The Well Being Journal, recognizes that illness can be a great teacher from within. “The most important message I learned from my disease is that the healing process is activated by a spiritual force that resides within. A journal can be a ‘living textbook’ for learning the lessons that the illness has to teach.”

I have learned so much about myself over the past two years of blogging about my illness. This is where it all began. FibroHaven – my little hole in the wall!

Whether you are inspired to begin a blog, or simply take up journaling, I encourage you to write, not just about your symptoms and your daily activities, but primarily about your inner thoughts and feelings. Research has shown that writing about your experiences reduces physical symptoms in patients with chronic illnesses, and isn’t that the goal for each of us. You find yourself here reading my thoughts because you are actively looking for ways to improve your quality of life. So – sit down, make yourself comfortable, and write about it!

How often have we struggled with our new reality?

How often have we grown weary and frustrated with trying to decide who we are and how we now matter?

How often have we wondered if it will ever get better?

For many years I ignored and hid my struggles. My symptoms were moderate enough for me to do so, and the only person who really knew my reality was my husband. But then my crash came and the days of pretending were over. I was faced with having to accept a version of myself that I thought was weaker, useless, less than. It took me a long time (and it is something I continuously work on) to determine that I still matter – that I can still have a purpose. I may never have the freedom again that comes with perfect health, but that does not mean I cannot have a meaningful and inspiring life. My mind still reflects back to the “healthy” me, and there are days I long to be her, but I have found a sense of value and purpose in the chronically ill me. I am whole, despite all that is missing. And truthfully, I like the new me more than I ever did the active and successful (and high strung and stressed out) former me.

Now how do I share my personal epiphany and encourage my new member without sounding preachy or all-knowing? Because if you read my blog regularly, you know I do not have all the answers. I am a work in progress, and I do a lot of my work in a very public way by sharing it here.

My message to my new member was this: Until you learn to let go of who you were, and accept who you currently are, you will not be able to move forward. You will be stuck trying to get back to a “you” your body is no longer capable of being. By continually looking back, you are fostering frustration and anger rather than acceptance and possibility. Examine who you are now, come to terms with it, and then make a plan to move forward.

Accepting where you currently are is not the same as accepting you will always be in this state. It is simply the first step in readying yourself to move forward. You need to be aware and honest with yourself so you can focus on doing the things that are within your ability that will help you move forward. Let go of what you used to be able to do, and work within your current capabilities. And it is work. But you can improve. You can get better. But only by letting go, and working to move forward.

We all have interests and desires and passions. Some we have had to let go and can be no more to us than comforting memories of the past. But others are still attainable and aid us in moving forward. For me, it is my writing. Some days my brain and body will not cooperate so I don’t even try. There are days when it is too miserable to sit at my computer, but my brain is active and swirling with great writing ideas. Now if I were totally together and on top of things, I would make myself comfortable on those days and use an audio recorder to capture the words running through my brain. But do I? No – not yet. I am a work in progress.

But here is the thing, by accepting where I am, I have opened the door and stepped out onto the path towards improvement and growth. I do not know exactly where I am going, I just know I refuse to stay still. Each day I carve out a new piece of my path. Somedays I make great progress, others I just kick some dirt around and examine the scenery. But the one thing I will never do on my path is just lay down and let the weeds grow over me. I like myself way too much to do that, and I am too excited to see where my road is leading.

One year ago today I sat down at FibroHaven for the first time and wrote this – Welcome!

In my very first post I shared what I hoped and intended to accomplish with my blog:

I have found the blogs I like best are the ones whose authors are aware they have an audience, yet they speak with a realness and simplicity.  They are authentic.  I image if I met the author they would be exactly as they sound on their blog.

That is the approach I hope to take in my writing.  I want to be real.

One year later I think my blog is exactly as real as I was hoping it would be and so much more.

I had no understanding at the time of the relationships I would form and the people who would reach out to me because something I wrote made an impact on them. I knew there was a need for a positive voice in the Fibromyalgia community, but I had no idea how much it would come to mean to me to be that voice.

My heart, soul, love, hope, spirit, and joy are in this blog. I doubt that I have ever been more proud of a personal accomplishment. Maybe that game winning home run I hit as the only girl on my little league baseball team. That was pretty cool! But seriously, FibroHaven is my baby.

Every time I read a comment like this from a recent post, I know I am doing what I am meant to do:

Thank you so much for sharing! I have only recently realized how important it is to reach out to those around me instead of hiding. I’m not weaker as a result of my illness. It is people like you that have helped me realize this. -Terri Simmons

Heart warming!

I have changed so much over this past year, and I doubt any of it would have occurred without this blog.

• I am more accepting of my illness
• I understand that I need to be my own best health advocate
• I understand the value and importance of researching every possiblity
• I recognize that there is no quick fix, no magic bullet
• I do not blame anyone or anything for my current state of health
• I have become more mindful of how my lifestyle choices contribute to my wellbeing
• I have a new spiritual awareness through yoga and meditation
• I am more in tuned to my body and my environment
• I am hopeful
• I feel loved
• I believe with all my heart that I will continue on this path to wellness and one day be symptom free
• I accept that there will be setbacks and obstacles, but that progress is still being made

If I had to give a number to my symptomatic improvement over this past year, it would be about 15%. Fifteen percent better than I was one year ago today. Wouldn’t you take that? Using the most basic of math, and not taking any variables into account, if I continue at a “15% a year” rate of improvement, I will be symptom free in just under seven years. After 13 years of living with a range of Fibromyalgia symptoms, seven years is acceptable to me.

But I don’t believe it will take seven years, simply because I cannot ignore the variables. If I had to give a number to my emotional and spiritual improvement (the variables) over this past year, it would be 60%. I am happier and more hopeful than I have ever been. I am at peace with who I am, and excited about who I am becoming. And I contribute the work I have put into FibroHaven for guiding me into who I am becoming.

I have put the work in, and I will continue to do so. I will continue to share and relate my experiences here. Some you will relate to, some you will not. But by taking the time to research and read, you are becoming your own best health advocate. Knowledge is power.

Thank you all for reading and commenting here. You are a big part of the reason I am feeling so loved and hopeful.