It started with my blog, which forced me to open up about the fact that I have Fibromyalgia, and about how very hard it is to manage my life sometimes. I feel like I have finally come clean, and that I no longer need to keep up the appearance of the strong, healthy person I once was, and used to pretend to still be. My life feels more honest now. Fibromyalgia Haven has brought me integrity and self-acceptance. And it has brought me a new set of online friends and contacts which I value very much.

Then the support group happened. I think my blog helped prepare me to lead my support group. I don’t think I would be a very effective leader if I was still too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about my health. I take a lot of pride in the organization and planning, and I feel so fortunate to have the ability and desire to help the group grow, learn and prosper. The women in the group are fantastic! Such a smart, fun, friendly group who listen with compassion and share with honesty. Everyone is eager to improve their health which has lead me to do a lot of  research for resources.  My research has been very educational and enlightening, and best of all it took me to the next great thing in my life right now, the Wellness Center.

Initially I went to the Wellness Center to ask them to be a sponsor for our group and allow us to have our meetings there. Shortly after touring the facility I realized the enormous potential the Center had to help me improve my health and my life. And not just because of the classes and fitness expertise that they offer – each person I have connected with there has in some way contributed to the development of my support group – whether it is through contacts, or resources, or simply with encouragement. They are more than just a sponsor for the group, they are an interested and active partner. And it is working both ways. They have referred several people on to me who were looking for resources and information about Fibromyalgia, and I was very happy to help.

Fibromyagia is a part of my life for a reason. I can no longer ignore or deny it. I no longer want to ignore or deny it. Now that I have opened my life to the reality of it, my life has improved. It makes me think of the great Mexican painter and hero Frida. Her life was shaped by the pain she suffered as a result of the tragic bus accident. There is an inseparable duality between her pain and her passion for life that overwhelms her art. Would her art be as spectacular and enduring if not for the accident that sentenced her to a life of unbearable pain? I wonder. Was she meant to suffer so she could tap into her creativity? Much of her art is gruesome in its depiction of her struggles, and yet it was not without hope. 

Viva la Vida is Frida’s last painting. It was finished in 1954, the year of her death. She was bed ridden, highly medicated, and just a shell of her former self. So where did she find the inspiration to paint such a hopeful painting? Maybe it was because she lived her life exactly as she was meant to, working with her disabilities and limitations instead of working against them. Maybe it was because she knew she lived her life honestly and with integrity. Whatever the reason, I admire her greatly. And right now, in this moment, I believe I am on a similar journey to creating a legacy of my own.

Viva La Vida - Long Live Life!

When Frida came out in 2002 I knew nothing about the artist Frida Kahlo.  After watching the film I became haunted by her.  For weeks after I could not stop thinking about the tempestuous woman who, despite living with an inhumane amount of pain, lived with extreme magnetism and passion.  I think I was drawn to her because of her pain.  I even mentioned to my husband once that I believed she might have suffered from Fibromyalgia. 

Frida’s pain began with a devastating bus crash at the age of eighteen.  Here is an excerpt form Frida: A Biography of Frida Kahlo by Hayden Herrera, which describes the injuries she suffered:

Her spinal column was broken in three places in the lumbar region.  Her collarbone was broken, and her third and fourth ribs.  Her right leg had eleven fractures and her right foot was dislocated and crushed.  Her left shoulder was out of joint, her pelvis broken in three places.  The steel handrail had literally skewered her body at the level of the abdomen; entering on the left side, it had come out through the vagina.  “I lost my virginity,” she said.  Pg49

After the accident Frida lived her life with constant pain and fatigue.  She spent months immobilized in plaster casts, trying to repair her spine that had three vertebrae out of place.  It was during this time, bed ridden but with the impatience of youth, in which she took up painting.  She was not a naturally gifted artist, but she was determined.  Frida spent hours pouring over art history books and when she was well enough she began an apprenticeship with a popular Mexican painter.

I was drawn to her passion and determination when I watched the film, but since researching her even further I am in awe of what she was able to accomplish living in her broken body.  Her self-portraits often reflected her pain.  The most famous of these portraits is called The Broken Column.

At first glance this seems grotesque – bared & broken, surrounded by a vast nothingness – but I think it is beautiful and in some ways empowering.

Frida is exposed to her very core and yet she remains modest with a white sheet flowing gently over her.  She is in a state of contradiction.  Despite the medieval like devices keeping her together, she is still feminine and beautiful.  The white corset appears to be holding her midsection together.  Combined with the white sheet she looks bride-like – a bride to her pain, to her disability.  She wears a calm expression on her face and in her posture, even though tears stream from her eyes.  She is in control despite the obvious pain.

The gown does not insulate her from the torture of the piercing nails.  They are everywhere; their locations are symbolic and painted with purpose.  A large nail impales her at her heart and in her minds eye – the center of her forehead.  They express her sorrow and her fixation with pain.  They are everywhere except the very most sensual part of her breasts.  Frida refused to let pain take away her sensuality.  Despite how gruesomely and vividly she paints her pain, Frida is very feminine in this painting.

I admire Frida Kahlo.  I admire that she found a way to live in and around her limitations.  I admire that she found a way to express her pains and fears and by doing so she left behind a beautiful legacy in her art.  I admire that she did not give up or become a victim, even when she was in bed, chest-to-toe in a plaster cast.  It is strange to feel a connection to someone you will never know, but her art and her life story have touched me deeply.  She is an inspiration to anyone living with chronic pain.

Note: There are professionals in the medical community who also believe she might have suffered from Fibromyalgia.  A group of medical professionals in Mexico City have actually made that claim.  I found their site recently when I clicked on an image of The Broken Column.