It is true that my current journey in yoga teacher training school is keeping me from the work I began with FibroHaven. I write less here, I share less on facebook, and I am scheduling fewer in person meetings. But my love of FH has not faltered.

The truth is, I am just doing what I frequently urge each of you to do. I am honoring myself, my body, and the unpredictable nature of this condition we all live with by not doing more than I can, and by not allowing myself to feel guilty for the things I am not doing.

I have always said it is important to me to let FH develop organically. The reason for this is because it allows for variance and change. I give all that I can in each moment, which means some moments I am here and present, and others I am quietly in the background, but I am never far.

And she is absolutely right. One way or another, my certification as a yoga instructor will eventually tie into FibroHaven. Maybe in the form of podcasts, or a DVD, or wellness retreats. I am not quite sure yet, but my love for FibroHaven is equal if not greater to my love of yoga. Both inspire me. Both make me feel complete. Who knows where all this is going to lead? I don’t yet, but even if it doesn’t look like anything much is happening, I promise, it is.

That is why, instead of living with resolve, I am choosing to live with intent.

Intent: purpose: an anticipated outcome that is intended or that guides your planned actions.

Living with intent is different than setting a resolution and trying to stick to it. Intent allows for the uncertainty and ever-changing nature of life. Intent allows for self-love, self-nurturing, and realistic expectations. Intent encourages growth, and is an avenue to release guilt.

You can wake up each day and set a new intention if it serves your purpose. The point is to wake up each day intending to be the best YOU possible, and doing what you can to make that a reality. It can be different every day, and that is okay. Intentions do not set you up for failure, they allow for variance and change.

If the best YOU today is someone who decides to let go of any guilt you would normally feel about being unable to clean the kitchen or about having to cancel plans – that is beautiful! Set it. Make it your intention: “I am letting go of guilt and honoring my health and wellbeing.”

Maybe you are having a good day, so you decide to set a more active intention: “I am walking today and spending nourishing time in nature.”

They are your intentions, and your are free to set them and change them as you please. The goal is not to focus on what you cannot do, but to focus on what you can do and embrace it, celebrate it, nourish it. Nourish YOU!

But if I may offer a few guidelines for intention setting, here they are:

Write your intentions down.

Get yourself a notebook, and wake up each morning with an intention for that day. Even if you write the same intention every day, allow yourself the opportunity each morning to account for the unpredictable nature of things.

Be active and present.

Always write your intention in positive tenses. Write them as if they are already a reality. “I am…, I have…, I live… ” It may take a few tries, but practice writing positive, active, and present intentions.

Be mindful and realistic.

You know your ability better than anyone else. Set intentions that slowly and gently propel you forward. What do you want to achieve? Who do you want to be? Visualize it, and make the daily efforts to move in that direction.

Be kind and self-loving.

Your intentions are tools to focus and encourage you, not to cause you stress, anxiety, or guilt. If today’s intention is not completed to your satisfaction, lovingly place it aside and try again when you are ready. There is no right or wrong here. Only the intention of self-love.

Release your expectations.

You are setting an intention with a purpose and to attain a goal. Let yourself be free to experience it in whatever way it unfolds. Do not be rigid in your anticipated outcome. Life is ever-changing. Expectations do not allow for change, and often lead to resentment and disappointment.

Share your intentions.

Intent.com is a great place to go daily and share your intentions. I have no affiliation with them, other than a personal profile page I have created. I am sharing them with you because I love the inspiration and hope they are spreading one intent at a time.

From Intent.com:

Why Share An Intent?

“We truly believe in the power of intentions. After all, every action starts with an intention. When we share an intention with others, we make ourselves feel more accountable for the mission we want to complete. When you know what your intention is AND you can state it to others, then you are more likely to make the initiative to make your aspiration come true.”

Today my intentions are this:

I am sharing my goal of Living With Intent on FibroHaven.

I am sitting on my mat in silence and embracing the peace it brings me.

I also have weekly intentions:

I am practicing yoga 4-6 times a week.

I am writing 1-2 blog posts a week.

And there are several other intentions swirling around in my brain, all intended to help me be the best ME I can be each day. We all get to determine who that is for ourselves. No one else gets to tell you who to be and how to get there, but I think setting intentions together is a great way to work on it.

Living With Intent is a new project for FibroHaven. I plan to share, grow, and develop this project throughout the year. I am not sure exactly how it will unfold, but then that is exactly the point isn’t it. As long as I intend it to grow, it will.

I hope you will consider joining me, and if you do, please share your intentions either here or on our Facebook page. What you share will help and inspire us all.

Here’s to Living With Intent, and being the best we can be.

Thank you all for helping me make FibroHaven a place of hope and support. Thank you for inspiring me this past year, and for motivating me to make next year even better. You give me strength!

Wishing lots of comfort, joy, and love to each of you this holiday season. Your light shines brightly. I know, because it is what guides me.

The Rusnaks ~ With Love

You know how it is in those moments when you get completely inspired – everything is brighter in that instant and you know your life is forever going to be changed for the good. Then you get home, and you set the books down. Life picks up exactly where it left off and you forget. You forget how inspired you were. You forget how to change, how to be better. Heck – you even forget to read the books. Yep, that is exactly what happened.

So I haven’t read his books yet, but I do get his monthly newsletter, and the title of this month’s article really spoke to me: Vulnerable Leadership.

That is exactly how I am feeling these days as the founder and leader of FibroHaven – vulnerable.

You see, my purpose is to share and encourage. I want to be a positive voice and a leader in living well with Fibromyalgia. But how can I do that when I have been feeling miserable since May? Since 1996 really! It is something I struggle with everyday. And it is the reason I am feeling vulnerable today.

I choose not to share the miserable stuff here. You know all too well about it. I would not be explaining or describing something you have not experienced many times yourself. But how do I balance the vulnerable me – the me that lives daily with the ever present and fluctuating symptoms of fibromyalgia – with the hopeful me – the one who embraces life as much as possible despite my constant fibromyalgia companion.

I don’t know. I do not have the answer. But in his article, Mike shared five key principles of vulnerable leadership, and that is where I am going to start.

1) Admit and own your mistakes

My mistakes are many! Daily even. Do you know I have been planning a relaunch of FibroHaven for months? It is still going to happen, and it is going to be really exciting when it does (great new features I know you are going to love), but as the creator, leader, and main cog of FibroHaven, I have dropped many balls.

Sure my health is partially to blame, but so is my procrastination, and my lack of follow through, and my frustrating tendency to sit back sometimes and let life come to me. It doesn’t, and it won’t. It is on me to make this happen. I chose FibroHaven. Nobody asked me to do this, but now that there is this wonderful community connected because of it, I need to follow through better – and I will.

2) Share your fear and insecurity

My fears are many too. Putting myself in the position to be a voice of positivity and change, I fear letting you all down by not changing quickly enough myself. I believe in a holistic approach to wellness, and I have been perusing that approach for a better part of a year, but I am nowhere near well. I fear this makes me a hypocrite and a fraud.

The thing that brings me back to share my philosophy is that I believe in my heart that I will get better. I will improve. I am on a wellness journey, not a crash course. And my hope is that by sharing it here with all of you, something I say may trigger a change in you. Something I experience may inspire you.

I have two purposes on this journey – get well, and encourage you to take your own wellness journey. But there are moments when I feel like “Who the hell am I to encourage someone else when I have so little to offer myself today.” I like it when those moments pass. And fortunately they always do.

3) Don’t take yourself too seriously

This one is pretty easy for me. My sense of humor is my lifeline, my core, my compass. Laughter really is the best medicine, and I am usually the first to laugh at myself. I can share funny and embarrassing things about myself here (and I have) because it is real, and that is life.

Remind me to tell you about the day I ended up ankle deep in wet cement because I thought the construction guys were coming on to me – not yelling to warn me about the wet sidewalk they had just laid. That ended well.

4) Share your own process, journey, and challenges

That is exactly what this blog is – my shared journey. Good to know I am doing this right!

5) Ask for and receive help from others

Oh this is a tough one for me. Now I will be the first to advise you to do this for yourself, but to put it in practice in my own life – that is so hard for me. Again, refer back to my often feeling like a hypocrite. It is for reasons like this.

Do as I say not as I do, right? Wrong! I really need to work on this for myself. There are so many areas where I could use help just with FibroHaven. Who knows, maybe if I were not so stubborn and short-sighted I could have launched the new site by now. I don’t know. All I know for sure is that I am flawed. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And sometimes this makes me reluctant to get on here and advise and encourage you.

But please know this, that everything I share on here, I share because I care. I know how dark this chronically ill life can seem at times. I know how isolating it can be. My hope is to shine a tiny little light, and maybe start a conversation or two.

One of my greatest moments came the other day when two people I met through FibroHaven became friends because of FibroHaven. One lives in California, the other in Virginia. Their paths may have never crossed were it not for FibroHaven. That is it. That is what it is all about for me. And that is what keeps me going on the days when I feel like no one should look to me for advice and support.

There is a reason for all of this. Maybe I am meant to fail and flounder. Maybe that makes me more real. I don’t know. But I do know that I love this community. It gives me courage and reinforces my hope.

And there it is. My vulnerable side…

How often have we struggled with our new reality?

How often have we grown weary and frustrated with trying to decide who we are and how we now matter?

How often have we wondered if it will ever get better?

For many years I ignored and hid my struggles. My symptoms were moderate enough for me to do so, and the only person who really knew my reality was my husband. But then my crash came and the days of pretending were over. I was faced with having to accept a version of myself that I thought was weaker, useless, less than. It took me a long time (and it is something I continuously work on) to determine that I still matter – that I can still have a purpose. I may never have the freedom again that comes with perfect health, but that does not mean I cannot have a meaningful and inspiring life. My mind still reflects back to the “healthy” me, and there are days I long to be her, but I have found a sense of value and purpose in the chronically ill me. I am whole, despite all that is missing. And truthfully, I like the new me more than I ever did the active and successful (and high strung and stressed out) former me.

Now how do I share my personal epiphany and encourage my new member without sounding preachy or all-knowing? Because if you read my blog regularly, you know I do not have all the answers. I am a work in progress, and I do a lot of my work in a very public way by sharing it here.

My message to my new member was this: Until you learn to let go of who you were, and accept who you currently are, you will not be able to move forward. You will be stuck trying to get back to a “you” your body is no longer capable of being. By continually looking back, you are fostering frustration and anger rather than acceptance and possibility. Examine who you are now, come to terms with it, and then make a plan to move forward.

Accepting where you currently are is not the same as accepting you will always be in this state. It is simply the first step in readying yourself to move forward. You need to be aware and honest with yourself so you can focus on doing the things that are within your ability that will help you move forward. Let go of what you used to be able to do, and work within your current capabilities. And it is work. But you can improve. You can get better. But only by letting go, and working to move forward.

We all have interests and desires and passions. Some we have had to let go and can be no more to us than comforting memories of the past. But others are still attainable and aid us in moving forward. For me, it is my writing. Some days my brain and body will not cooperate so I don’t even try. There are days when it is too miserable to sit at my computer, but my brain is active and swirling with great writing ideas. Now if I were totally together and on top of things, I would make myself comfortable on those days and use an audio recorder to capture the words running through my brain. But do I? No – not yet. I am a work in progress.

But here is the thing, by accepting where I am, I have opened the door and stepped out onto the path towards improvement and growth. I do not know exactly where I am going, I just know I refuse to stay still. Each day I carve out a new piece of my path. Somedays I make great progress, others I just kick some dirt around and examine the scenery. But the one thing I will never do on my path is just lay down and let the weeds grow over me. I like myself way too much to do that, and I am too excited to see where my road is leading.

I was surfing around through my old posts, looking for an appropriate one to share, and I came across this post I originally published October 13, 2008, the same month I began my blog.

Selflessly Selfish

I struggle every day with who I am. I am different because of the Fibromyalgia. I am not the independent, fiercely productive person I once was.

Every morning I envy (but am grateful for) my husband and his ability to jump out of bed, hop into the shower, and rush out the door on his way to a destination where he knows his purpose and is able to perform at a high level. I lie in bed with muscle soreness, a dizzy head and complete exhaustion and wonder, “how am I going to contribute today?”

And it is not simply how am I going to contribute to my house and my husband, but how am I going to contribute to my physical and emotional wellbeing, and how am I going to contribute to the world around me.

Sometimes it is the smallest things I do that contribute the most and make me feel the best. I dry my hands on a dishtowel rather than a paper towel. Yippee! I just saved a tree. I pick up the wrapper from a straw that a fellow patron at the coffee shop has let the wind take away. She doesn’t know it, but I do and it makes me feel good.

There are days when I let the wrapper blow away. Days when I tell myself I am in too much pain to bother, but I never feel good about those moments. I always feel that I have given up or given in to the Fibromyalgia. If too many of those moments build up I get depressed, and then it becomes even harder to live productively with FM.

That is the point I am trying to make. I struggle to be a better person for myself. To be someone that, in spite of all that is different in my life, I still feel useful and productive, and that in very small ways I am contributing to my world. By trying to be conscientious and selfless I am being selfish, because I am the one who benefits the most.  And the small things add up.  They really do make a difference.

So what did I do that was so great today? Nothing so far, but the day is not over. I still have time.

Wow! Rereading this post really took me back. It really made me take a moment and reflect on how much has changed in the 18 months since I began this blog.

And that is what I want you to know about me: I have changed. I am different. I am improved.

I am no longer at the mercy of Fibromyalgia. I am a participant in my health, not an onlooker. And I got here by making many small changes:

I created a community, starting with this blog, which brought people like Kathy into my life. I began sharing more and worring less because I have a greater support foundation to rely on.

I began doing research and filtering the abundance of information on Fibromyalgia to determine what fit best for me. I determined a holistic approach was more appropriate for me than the pharmaceutical approach taken by most doctors.

I added supplements to my daily care.

I began practicing yoga and cut gluten out of my diet. Through research, trial, and error (and believe me there were years of error) I found what works for me and my health.

I slowed down…… and took many baby steps to avoid making those painful leaps.

This has been a true journey, and I am so grateful for how far I have come. It was not without work, setbacks, and a lot of effort. But the foundation for my change came from the belief that I could improve, and that it was up to me to figure out how.

I am still frequently tired and dizzy in the mornings. I still have daily symptoms. I am not always able to contribute. But my progress is discernible.

I hope this encourages you. I hope you are able to look closely at your daily habits and routines, and distinguish what nourishes you from what holds you back. There are many components to Fibromyalgia we cannot control. Take a look at what you can, and honor yourself by making the best choices for your particular situation. You can change. You can improve. Believe it!

First let me start by saying I am thrilled to be working again. Thrilled that my body is cooperating for the most part. Thrilled to be out in the world, making connections, networking, and feeling like a productive person again. Is it horrible that my self worth is so closely tied to my ability to make a paycheck?

All my work on FibroHaven was satisfying emotionally and spiritually, but never financially. I LIKE MONEY! I like the freedom it brings. I like contributing to my household again. I like seeing a light at the end of our Debt Highway.

That being said, I have missed FibroHaven – missed my blog and facebook community, missed tweeting with the FM community on Twitter, missed the local members of my support group and our therapeutic meetings. It has all been neglected.

I think we all clearly understand about how hard it is to find balance living daily with chronic illness. It is always a matter of “If I do this, I know I will not be able to do that.” Prioritizing, making sacrifices, coming to terms with limitations, and on and on. Living well becomes a matter of balancing options and making smart choices.

I can tell you the smart choices I have been making for the better part of a year are really paying off now. I completely contribute my ability to work to the elimination of gluten from my diet and to my practicing yoga. My body has responded and rewards me every day. Even on bad days, I recover more quickly and have new tools – breathing exercises, stretching, etc. – to help me through.

But my heart is still in FibroHaven. So now it is up to me to find the balance. I know I can. I know I will.

And breathe…

Throughout your life there’s a voice that only you can hear. It’s a call to the true value of your life – a call to make a difference that only you can make. If you never hear it, something magical will be lost. But if you hear it and heed it, then your life will become a wonderful romance and adventure. Now is the time. Jump in. Make a splash. Change the world.

Romance, adventure, a magical life – isn’t that what we all want? What we all hope to achieve? My voice is telling me I am not currently on that path, but that is okay, because I can hear my voice, and I trust it to guide me back. I trust me. I trust my journey, with all its offshoots and distractions. Today my splash is little, a ripple really, but I am building up momentum for a giant cannonball.

What is your voice telling you? Are you ready for a little romance and adventure?

I’ve been asked this question a lot since returning to work. What did you do before this? It is an interesting question and I don’t think I have decided how to answer it yet.

Do I tell them about the accident that brought my life to a screeching hault? Do I tell them about the months spent struggling to regain my ability to speak coherently? Do I tell them about the pain, the bouts of depression, the fatigue, and general disconnect from life? Do I tell them about starting this blog? Do I tell them how I was so inspired by this blog I started FibroHaven Foundation?

No, I don’t think I should. Essentially what they are asking me is how are you qualified to be in this position? What have you done in your past to allow you to do what you are doing in your present? They want to know what I have done, not what I have been through.

I had many successful years working with Fibromyalgia before the accident. I am plenty qualified. But I am also concerned about how my illness may be perceived. It is something we have discussed at support group meetings in the past. Do you tell your employer/prospective employer that you are living with a chronic illness? If ever there was a slippery slope…

My current employer knows all about FibroHaven and seems completely unphased by it. He is actually quite impressed with what I have accomplished. But early on in my job search I am certain I was not chosen for a position because my potential employer read my blog. He basically patted me on the back and said “You are doing great things with FibroHaven. Keep it up.” This came shortly after he mentioned he has two close relatives with Fibromyalgia. Do you think his experience with them prejudiced his value of me? I do.

So how much do I share? I am not sure. The only thing I am certain of is that I do not want my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia to influence what my colleagues think I am capable of doing. I want my actions to determine my value, not my diagnosis.

One year ago today I sat down at FibroHaven for the first time and wrote this – Welcome!

In my very first post I shared what I hoped and intended to accomplish with my blog:

I have found the blogs I like best are the ones whose authors are aware they have an audience, yet they speak with a realness and simplicity.  They are authentic.  I image if I met the author they would be exactly as they sound on their blog.

That is the approach I hope to take in my writing.  I want to be real.

One year later I think my blog is exactly as real as I was hoping it would be and so much more.

I had no understanding at the time of the relationships I would form and the people who would reach out to me because something I wrote made an impact on them. I knew there was a need for a positive voice in the Fibromyalgia community, but I had no idea how much it would come to mean to me to be that voice.

My heart, soul, love, hope, spirit, and joy are in this blog. I doubt that I have ever been more proud of a personal accomplishment. Maybe that game winning home run I hit as the only girl on my little league baseball team. That was pretty cool! But seriously, FibroHaven is my baby.

Every time I read a comment like this from a recent post, I know I am doing what I am meant to do:

Thank you so much for sharing! I have only recently realized how important it is to reach out to those around me instead of hiding. I’m not weaker as a result of my illness. It is people like you that have helped me realize this. -Terri Simmons

Heart warming!

I have changed so much over this past year, and I doubt any of it would have occurred without this blog.

• I am more accepting of my illness
• I understand that I need to be my own best health advocate
• I understand the value and importance of researching every possiblity
• I recognize that there is no quick fix, no magic bullet
• I do not blame anyone or anything for my current state of health
• I have become more mindful of how my lifestyle choices contribute to my wellbeing
• I have a new spiritual awareness through yoga and meditation
• I am more in tuned to my body and my environment
• I am hopeful
• I feel loved
• I believe with all my heart that I will continue on this path to wellness and one day be symptom free
• I accept that there will be setbacks and obstacles, but that progress is still being made

If I had to give a number to my symptomatic improvement over this past year, it would be about 15%. Fifteen percent better than I was one year ago today. Wouldn’t you take that? Using the most basic of math, and not taking any variables into account, if I continue at a “15% a year” rate of improvement, I will be symptom free in just under seven years. After 13 years of living with a range of Fibromyalgia symptoms, seven years is acceptable to me.

But I don’t believe it will take seven years, simply because I cannot ignore the variables. If I had to give a number to my emotional and spiritual improvement (the variables) over this past year, it would be 60%. I am happier and more hopeful than I have ever been. I am at peace with who I am, and excited about who I am becoming. And I contribute the work I have put into FibroHaven for guiding me into who I am becoming.

I have put the work in, and I will continue to do so. I will continue to share and relate my experiences here. Some you will relate to, some you will not. But by taking the time to research and read, you are becoming your own best health advocate. Knowledge is power.

Thank you all for reading and commenting here. You are a big part of the reason I am feeling so loved and hopeful.