Asking for help is something I have never been good at, and accepting unsolicited help is even harder for me. This is something I have been working on as I feel it is due to an unhealthy amount of pride and ego. I never like to seem weak or vulnerable. Very primal of me really, like a pack animal that hides illness or injury to continue to blend in with the herd and not appear like easy prey. It is a useful survival instinct, but one that has not always served me well.

And I need look no further than FibroHaven to see the wonderful results of asking for and accepting help. Take a quick look around this website and you can see my attention has been elsewhere lately. And as I shared recently, it is not from a lack of love or interest, it is simply a choice to spend my time and energy where it is best suited right now and not wear myself out by doing more than serves me.

So there have been very few blog posts and local support group meetings, and only sporadic Facebook updates. FibroHaven had definitely lost some momentum. And people noticed. And as I began thinking about how I could address the situation I remembered an offer of help that had come to me some months previous. One of the most active, friendly, and positive members of our online community had generously offered to get more involved with FH and help in any way that she could. So I contacted her and asked if she would be interested in becoming an admin on our Facebook page. To my delight she said yes and our Facebook community has never been better!

Pascale has enlivened the page with new energy and interest – sharing everything from relaxing meditations to important information on tinnitus. People are engaged and interested, offering their opinions and experiences and caring when others offer theirs. Each time I check in I see there are new members and new conversations on interesting topics. And because we all experience FM and chronic illness differently, I am realizing how important and useful it is to have more than one voice posting and encouraging conversation.

When Pascale first extended her offer of help, I was interested, but not clear on how I would utilize her. But when the time was right and the need increasingly apparent, it became very clear. I am so glad I reached back out to her and asked. And I am so proud to have her as a new voice for FH and in our FM community. And judging by the many conversations going on over there right now, so are you!

So please join me in welcoming Pascale, and thanking her for stepping in when it was most needed. Like all of us, she is doing this while continuously learning to live well with chronic illness. Some days we manage better than others. Somedays our voices are lively and active, and somedays we need to retreat. But with such a wonderful and caring community to return to, you can be sure FibroHaven will continue to inform, encourage, and inspire.

And thank you to The Fibromyalgia Network for taking notice of the new energy on FibroHaven and sharing our page with your community. You have been a positive and informative resource for all of us for many years. The work you do in invaluable!

Much Love,
Dannette

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I can translate the improved health and continued healing I am experiencing into advice and encouragement for others. As the architect of my own health, the best way I can do this is to document my journey and explore the thoughts and philosophies with which I approach my wellness. Like the quote above says, we need to create in the light, and the more knowledge we have, the brighter our lights shine.

First I should correct my wording – I am not “experiencing” better health, I am manifesting it. It is not a passive action, as in the way we “experience” the weather, it is active, because each improvement is directly related to lifestyle changes and choices I have made. I am the architect of my current wellness path. And that has been pretty empowering – the realization that I have choices, and the bad choices I make directly contribute to the increase in my symptoms and the good choices I make directly contribute to the reduction in my symptoms. Sounds like a no-brainer right? So then why did it take me 13 years to reach this realization?

I have an idea as to why (based on my belief that western med/society is not about empowering the patient), but that is not the focus of this conversation. I am more interested in exploring how I got to this place of improved health and sharing what I hope can help someone else create their own blueprint for health.

I plan to do this in a series of posts, as it is impossible to cover everything all in one. My future posts will focus on first the trigger that sent us spiraling into chronic illness and if our lifestyle at the time of our trigger somehow predisposed us to our current chronic illness. I have a lot of theories about this and look forward to exploring them to see if anything rings true for others. This will of course require a look at all the many types of triggers – physical, emotional, viral, etc..

To continue the series I am also going to  explore: nutrition, exercise, self-love/compassion, relationships, our environments – home, work, nature, etc., and our spirituality. These are all things I am addressing in my blueprint, and it is the combination of these things that I believe has brought me to a place of better health and overall wellbeing.

There are so many elements that go into developing and treating a chronic illness, and  as we are all unique individuals, so is our experience with our illness. I know the blueprint for my health (which I am currently still in the processes of drafting) is not going to be your blueprint, but as all good architectures have done over the years, you can have a look at mine, and take elements from it that will help you build the foundation of your own blueprint.

As long as you believe better health is possible, it will be. But like all magnificent builds, it takes time, planning, and effort. You may spend months building a wall, only to discover it needs more stabilization. Or maybe one day you realize the foundation you poured is too weak to continue your build. Do you walk away from it completely? No, you acknowledge and address the problems with the foundation, give it time to set, and then move forward. Some days it is two steps forward, one step back, but as long as we keep stepping, progress is made.

Architecture, of all the arts, is the one which acts the most slowly, but the most surely, on the soul. ~Ernest Dimnet

It’s been one of those weeks.

One of those weeks when all I have wanted to do is shut myself up in my room and lose myself in books, movies, and God willing, some good sleep. It is my (and I am sure most of our) default position to “retreat” and isolate when I am feeling bad. And it is a desire I have given in to many times throughout my illness.

But I have noticed something.

I have noticed that by staying present and showing up for my life and my responsibilities, I am frequently rewarded with beautiful distractions from the symptoms that would otherwise consume me.

This has been an incredibly high pain week for me. In the past my pain would have been the reason for not moving, but I am in yoga school now, and I cannot make the decision to isolate myself without making the decision to miss the instruction I find so deeply rewarding.

Tuesday

So Tuesday morning I dragged my stiff, aching body to an 8AM yoga class. For ninety minutes I moved, stretched, and warmed my body from the inside out, and while still very much present, my pain became more tolerable.

But then the class work began, and for three hours we sat discussing the philosophy of yoga. Several times throughout the day, as my body got stiffer and stiffer, I told myself “Just go home.” But I stayed. I stayed because I knew my misery would not change if I were home alone with it, and I very much wanted to be present for the lessons of the day. So I stayed.

We ended the day with another 90 minute yoga session, and while still experiencing pain, I was better than I had been in the morning – and much better than if I had stayed home all day focusing on my pain.

Wednesday

Wednesday evening we had a support group meeting. I started our local group because I understand the need for community – the need to connect with others who understand how you are feeling. But I was miserable, and did not want to go. Yet at 6:30 I found myself there, surrounded by other members having an equally bad day (week, month). We ate and talked and had a really great time – the very best reward for making the effort and commitment  to show up.

Thursday

Thursday was much the same as Tuesday – yoga class all day. In my mind Wednesday evening I was preparing the email I was going to send to my instructor, explaining why I was not in class Thursday morning, and yet Thursday morning came, and there I found myself – stretching and moving with my fellow classmates.

After our morning practice, we sat in a circle and did what my teacher calls “checking in.” Each student takes a minute to share where they are and how they are feeling about their practice. I sat and listened as student after student shared what drives them and motivates them in their practice – what inspires them to keep showing up. Again, I was deeply humbled by the universal nature of suffering.

From divorce and custody issues, to the death of a parent, to abuse and addiction, to just generally being lost about the purpose of life –  there was a lot of pain being worked out and worked through in that room. After everyone had shared we sat silently, absorbing the beauty of the moment, and then my teacher asked, “How many of you feel better just by being here today?” Every hand in the room went up.

Community

On FibroHaven’s Facebook page I wrote this: There is nothing I can do alone that isn’t infinitely improved with the support of community. I founded FibroHaven on this belief: Community is everything. I directly attribute my growth and healing to the strength I gain by surrounding myself and connecting with those in the communities I have chosen to be a part of. Most people in my yoga community do not know I live with fibromyalgia. It is not important that they do know. I have my support group for that. What is important is that I have found (or created) communities that nourish and sustain me, and most importantly communities that inspire me to keep showing up.

What motivates and nourishes you?

What do you love? Where do you find community? It doesn’t have to be through yoga. And some people even shy away from support groups. But each of us has something that we love and that inspires us. Is it reading and discussing books? Check out your library for a local book club. Is it knitting? What a great way to spend some time, knitting and sharing patterns and design ideas with like-minded people. Do you love your church? Maybe there is a committee you can volunteer for. Or if you are interested in volunteer work, find a cause you are passionate about and volunteer for them.

There are days when yes, it is best to honor your body and rest. But I think we have all experienced the days when somehow we managed to show up to a scheduled event, and were rewarded for doing so with laughter and a lighter heart. You walk into a room and see a familiar smile, and your face feels lighter. You hear a familiar laugh and your heart warms. We need community, even if only for a much needed and welcomed distraction from the reality of living with chronic illness.

Friday

Today is Friday, and my pain is better. Showing up this week did not make me worse or increase my pain. Showing up this week nourished me, and encouraged me to keep showing up. That is what community does.

When I think back to the days after both traumas – the first that triggered my fibromyalgia and the second that exacerbated my symptoms – I clearly see that my eating behaviors contributed to my dis-ease.

Before the first head trauma I had what I consider healthy eating habits. But as soon as I became couch-ridden, trying to recover my ability to speak coherently, I turned to food as a source of comfort. I jokingly say now that I was “medicating myself with mashed potatoes.” But really, it was the truth. Overnight I lost – was forced to give up – so much of my life as I knew it, but the one thing I could still do and not cause myself more pain or distress was to eat.

Eating became the one thing I still had control over.

Food became my comfort, and in a way gave me a sense of empowerment during a very vulnerable period of my life.

Eventually I made my way off the couch and back out into the real world, but with each flare I returned to this behavior. “Can I get you a glass of water?” my husband would ask me trying to help. “Yes.” I would reply, “And some potato chips.” Flare after flare, this was the pattern. At the time I did not make the connection, but with time and healing, it is painfully clear to me now.

No longer was I nourishing myself with foods that sustained me, instead I was stuffing myself with foods that depleted me. My new eating behavior did not cause me to develop fibromyalgia, but it did contribute to my overall pain, fatigue, and mental fog. It did prolong my flares, and it most likely is going to make my recovery more difficult. I actually was causing myself more pain and distress without realizing it.

But I forgive myself this lapse in food judgement.

My mashed potatoes and potato chips actually did bring me comfort on some very dark days. Would I ever go back and deny myself that comfort? No. But I would share some of my new wisdom with that me, and love her and forgive her if she was not ready to hear it.

Food matters.

And it wasn’t until my 13th year of illness that I started to acknowledge how much food matters. When a very wise doctor recommended I would feel better if I eliminated gluten from my diet, I walked out of his office and that day became gluten-free. I was ready for the change. I was strong enough that I could let go of my attachment to food as comfort. And he was right. Within three short days I was feeling better!

The pain in my hands that had me convinced I was developing arthritis was gone! The debilitating head and neck aches I regularly suffered – never noticing that they occurred most often after mealtime – happened with less and less frequency. My hair stopped falling out!

So, if eliminating gluten could improve my health so much, isn’t it worth considering how other foods I eat are affecting me? And so the shift in me happened. And today I can happily say I have cut back on or eliminated many foods that deplete me and complicate my health – gluten, processed foods, fried foods, sugar.

I am nowhere near a saint, and I do still enjoy my comfort foods. In fact the other night I made mashed potato for dinner. But instead of butter and milk, I use greek yogurt to thin them out. And instead of pan-fried pork chops to accompany them, I grilled vegetables. And instead of needing the mashed potatoes to comfort and sooth me, they were just a tasty part of my meal.

So when someone asks me if curing fibromyalgia is a simple as good nutrition I say absolutely – No.

Fibromyalgia is a neurological disorder, and there are many component of FM that nutrition will not address, but good nutrition can help improve many of the symptoms that are a part of fibromyalgia – poor sleep, fibro-fog, IBS, fatigue. It is not a cure. Currently there is no cure. But if good nutrition can reduce some of your symptoms and improve your quality of life 15, 20, 30 percent, then isn’t it worth a consideration?

Writing is a passion I can always remember having. When I was a young girl we lived in a very old house. My bedroom walls were covered with many layers of wallpaper. On a particular wall in my room there was a small hole hidden under the thick layers of wallpaper. I would sit and write letters about my inner most thoughts and feelings, and then I would neatly fold my letters and tuck them deep inside my bedroom walls. Thought after thought, and letter after letter rested inside those walls. For all I know the letters are still there.

Each letter I wrote helped me to release my fears, anxieties, and depressions. They gave me hope and made me feel connected to a source greater than myself. I always felt powerful and connected after writing my letters, although at the time I could not have expressed who or what I was connecting to. In fact I would address my letter to the unseen and all-knowing To Whom it May Concern. It gave me a sense of comfort to believe that there was someone/something that was concerned.

When I began this blog just over two years ago, in a sense it became that little hole in the wall for me – my space to share and process all my thoughts, fears, failures, triumphs, and epiphanies. And each of you became my To Whom it May Concern. And to my surprise my letters did not sit unnoticed. You took notice, whether you responded with a comment or a personal email, or even just read my letters and moved on, you have been here and given me the strength to continue writing. It has been a beautiful thing in my life, the catalyst really for my healing, and I thank you!

So when I am asked by FibroHaven members if I think they would benefit from starting a blog, my answer is always an emphatic YES! Whether you are passionate about writing or not, it is one of the most therapeutic things we can do. The benefits are endless.

From Health Benefits of Journal Writing, by Felice Willat

Marlene A. Schiwy, in her book A Voice of Her Own, talks about the healing dimensions of journal writing: “To create wholeness in our lives is to heal ourselves. Healing comes from the same root as whole and holiness. It is the attainment of wholeness of body, mind, emotions and spirit. For many women, The journal provides a gentle setting in which healing can take place. It offers one place where literally and symbolically, all of the pieces of one’s life finally come together.” And Lucia Cappaccione, author of The Well Being Journal, recognizes that illness can be a great teacher from within. “The most important message I learned from my disease is that the healing process is activated by a spiritual force that resides within. A journal can be a ‘living textbook’ for learning the lessons that the illness has to teach.”

I have learned so much about myself over the past two years of blogging about my illness. This is where it all began. FibroHaven – my little hole in the wall!

Whether you are inspired to begin a blog, or simply take up journaling, I encourage you to write, not just about your symptoms and your daily activities, but primarily about your inner thoughts and feelings. Research has shown that writing about your experiences reduces physical symptoms in patients with chronic illnesses, and isn’t that the goal for each of us. You find yourself here reading my thoughts because you are actively looking for ways to improve your quality of life. So – sit down, make yourself comfortable, and write about it!

You know how it is in those moments when you get completely inspired – everything is brighter in that instant and you know your life is forever going to be changed for the good. Then you get home, and you set the books down. Life picks up exactly where it left off and you forget. You forget how inspired you were. You forget how to change, how to be better. Heck – you even forget to read the books. Yep, that is exactly what happened.

So I haven’t read his books yet, but I do get his monthly newsletter, and the title of this month’s article really spoke to me: Vulnerable Leadership.

That is exactly how I am feeling these days as the founder and leader of FibroHaven – vulnerable.

You see, my purpose is to share and encourage. I want to be a positive voice and a leader in living well with Fibromyalgia. But how can I do that when I have been feeling miserable since May? Since 1996 really! It is something I struggle with everyday. And it is the reason I am feeling vulnerable today.

I choose not to share the miserable stuff here. You know all too well about it. I would not be explaining or describing something you have not experienced many times yourself. But how do I balance the vulnerable me – the me that lives daily with the ever present and fluctuating symptoms of fibromyalgia – with the hopeful me – the one who embraces life as much as possible despite my constant fibromyalgia companion.

I don’t know. I do not have the answer. But in his article, Mike shared five key principles of vulnerable leadership, and that is where I am going to start.

1) Admit and own your mistakes

My mistakes are many! Daily even. Do you know I have been planning a relaunch of FibroHaven for months? It is still going to happen, and it is going to be really exciting when it does (great new features I know you are going to love), but as the creator, leader, and main cog of FibroHaven, I have dropped many balls.

Sure my health is partially to blame, but so is my procrastination, and my lack of follow through, and my frustrating tendency to sit back sometimes and let life come to me. It doesn’t, and it won’t. It is on me to make this happen. I chose FibroHaven. Nobody asked me to do this, but now that there is this wonderful community connected because of it, I need to follow through better – and I will.

2) Share your fear and insecurity

My fears are many too. Putting myself in the position to be a voice of positivity and change, I fear letting you all down by not changing quickly enough myself. I believe in a holistic approach to wellness, and I have been perusing that approach for a better part of a year, but I am nowhere near well. I fear this makes me a hypocrite and a fraud.

The thing that brings me back to share my philosophy is that I believe in my heart that I will get better. I will improve. I am on a wellness journey, not a crash course. And my hope is that by sharing it here with all of you, something I say may trigger a change in you. Something I experience may inspire you.

I have two purposes on this journey – get well, and encourage you to take your own wellness journey. But there are moments when I feel like “Who the hell am I to encourage someone else when I have so little to offer myself today.” I like it when those moments pass. And fortunately they always do.

3) Don’t take yourself too seriously

This one is pretty easy for me. My sense of humor is my lifeline, my core, my compass. Laughter really is the best medicine, and I am usually the first to laugh at myself. I can share funny and embarrassing things about myself here (and I have) because it is real, and that is life.

Remind me to tell you about the day I ended up ankle deep in wet cement because I thought the construction guys were coming on to me – not yelling to warn me about the wet sidewalk they had just laid. That ended well.

4) Share your own process, journey, and challenges

That is exactly what this blog is – my shared journey. Good to know I am doing this right!

5) Ask for and receive help from others

Oh this is a tough one for me. Now I will be the first to advise you to do this for yourself, but to put it in practice in my own life – that is so hard for me. Again, refer back to my often feeling like a hypocrite. It is for reasons like this.

Do as I say not as I do, right? Wrong! I really need to work on this for myself. There are so many areas where I could use help just with FibroHaven. Who knows, maybe if I were not so stubborn and short-sighted I could have launched the new site by now. I don’t know. All I know for sure is that I am flawed. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And sometimes this makes me reluctant to get on here and advise and encourage you.

But please know this, that everything I share on here, I share because I care. I know how dark this chronically ill life can seem at times. I know how isolating it can be. My hope is to shine a tiny little light, and maybe start a conversation or two.

One of my greatest moments came the other day when two people I met through FibroHaven became friends because of FibroHaven. One lives in California, the other in Virginia. Their paths may have never crossed were it not for FibroHaven. That is it. That is what it is all about for me. And that is what keeps me going on the days when I feel like no one should look to me for advice and support.

There is a reason for all of this. Maybe I am meant to fail and flounder. Maybe that makes me more real. I don’t know. But I do know that I love this community. It gives me courage and reinforces my hope.

And there it is. My vulnerable side…

How often have we struggled with our new reality?

How often have we grown weary and frustrated with trying to decide who we are and how we now matter?

How often have we wondered if it will ever get better?

For many years I ignored and hid my struggles. My symptoms were moderate enough for me to do so, and the only person who really knew my reality was my husband. But then my crash came and the days of pretending were over. I was faced with having to accept a version of myself that I thought was weaker, useless, less than. It took me a long time (and it is something I continuously work on) to determine that I still matter – that I can still have a purpose. I may never have the freedom again that comes with perfect health, but that does not mean I cannot have a meaningful and inspiring life. My mind still reflects back to the “healthy” me, and there are days I long to be her, but I have found a sense of value and purpose in the chronically ill me. I am whole, despite all that is missing. And truthfully, I like the new me more than I ever did the active and successful (and high strung and stressed out) former me.

Now how do I share my personal epiphany and encourage my new member without sounding preachy or all-knowing? Because if you read my blog regularly, you know I do not have all the answers. I am a work in progress, and I do a lot of my work in a very public way by sharing it here.

My message to my new member was this: Until you learn to let go of who you were, and accept who you currently are, you will not be able to move forward. You will be stuck trying to get back to a “you” your body is no longer capable of being. By continually looking back, you are fostering frustration and anger rather than acceptance and possibility. Examine who you are now, come to terms with it, and then make a plan to move forward.

Accepting where you currently are is not the same as accepting you will always be in this state. It is simply the first step in readying yourself to move forward. You need to be aware and honest with yourself so you can focus on doing the things that are within your ability that will help you move forward. Let go of what you used to be able to do, and work within your current capabilities. And it is work. But you can improve. You can get better. But only by letting go, and working to move forward.

We all have interests and desires and passions. Some we have had to let go and can be no more to us than comforting memories of the past. But others are still attainable and aid us in moving forward. For me, it is my writing. Some days my brain and body will not cooperate so I don’t even try. There are days when it is too miserable to sit at my computer, but my brain is active and swirling with great writing ideas. Now if I were totally together and on top of things, I would make myself comfortable on those days and use an audio recorder to capture the words running through my brain. But do I? No – not yet. I am a work in progress.

But here is the thing, by accepting where I am, I have opened the door and stepped out onto the path towards improvement and growth. I do not know exactly where I am going, I just know I refuse to stay still. Each day I carve out a new piece of my path. Somedays I make great progress, others I just kick some dirt around and examine the scenery. But the one thing I will never do on my path is just lay down and let the weeds grow over me. I like myself way too much to do that, and I am too excited to see where my road is leading.

Last May I challenged myself to a 30 day writing project. My thought being, it takes roughly 30 days to develop a habit, so for each day in May I wrote a blog post. It was a success on some levels, but I failed at making writing a daily habit.

Writing is a form of meditation for me. I write more than what you see here on my blog. I do not always enjoy the process of writing, but I enjoy it most when I am singularly focused on it and my only purpose is on finishing my current sentence and thought. I love those moments when I am completely absorbed in the act of writing.

“Learning to be mindful and present, clear and attentive is the doorway to a life of depth and joy.”

Mindfulness is something I seek to achieve in all aspects of my life – writing, relationships, work, eating, exercise. I want to be happy and present in what I am doing in the moment, not regretful of my past, or anxious of my future. I want to learn to be present in the now, and find a greater joy in the present. I believe meditation is a path to the joy I seek.

I have dabbled with meditation – taking a group class here, listening to a guiding voice there. Each experience with meditation has been restorative and encouraging, but my knowledge and understanding of it is relatively minimal. So this May I am challenging myself to another 30 day project.

For the next 30 days I am going to explore different types of meditation, and practice meditating for at least 20 minutes each day. My goal over the next 30 days is to learn more about the many styles of meditation, and to find the one (0r ones) most compatible with my needs. I also hope in the process to establish a habit, and continue beyond May to dedicate the time each day to meditate.

“There is no end to the meditative process: it is a lifelong practice that can be undertaken by anyone, regardless of age and spiritual beliefs, and there is no right or wrong time to start on your meditative path.”

I am beginning my meditation journey with a book that is intended to help readers begin a meditative path, Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation,  by Christina Feldman.

Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation is a beautiful book, filled with soothing images and helpful charts. Organized in a way to guide the beginner from the basics – how to meditate, when to meditate, where to meditate – through the styles and obstacles of meditation, Feldman’s book opens a simple and straightforward door to meditation. There are no rights and wrongs in Feldman’s meditation teaching, only loving kindness and heartfelt communication.

“Meditative teaching is not an exhortation or demand but an invitation to explore the ways of walking new paths of mindfulness and wakefulness. It is an invitation to discover a deeper well-being and inner richness that can transform every aspect of our lives.”

One of my goals for my journey into meditation is, according to Feldman, one of the central teachings of meditation: to be at ease with the events of my mind and body.

We all know that even in the mildest flare, we can become consumed and overwhelmed by the pain we are experiencing – and even by the pain we are not currently experiencing, but are remembering and anticipating. Pain is a powerful motivator for fear and anxiety. I believe it is possible to overcome fear and anxiety, and I believe meditation can help by teaching me compassion, peace, and understanding.

“Understanding: Central to the Buddhist path is the understanding that we cannot avoid aging, sickness, or death. We cannot avoid all loss, sorrow, and heartache, and the endeavor to do so only magnifies pain. We do begin to see that confusion, agitation, fear, and stress may become optional in our lives.”

Fear and stress are an option? If this is so, I doubt we can just accept that it is. At least for me I know it will take practice to learn to let go of my ingrained responses and accept joy. I want to learn to find the joy that exists with the pain. I believe it is there. I just need to learn how to find it.

“Meditation is not about avoiding or softening the blow of moments of conflict and difficulty that we are bound to encounter during our lives. Rather it is a means to approach these moments with clarity, understanding, and calm.”

Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation is so rich in thought, context, and instruction, I am certain it will serve my desire to develop a regular meditation practice to reread it several times. It is simple and approachable, but Christina Feldman has packed so much guidance and wisdom into its short 96 pages, each time I open it a new passage jumps out at me. Just look back over all of the above quotes and you can see the richness of concepts and wisdom Feldman shares. It is a great tool to begin my journey into meditation.

Are you interested in learning how to meditate, or in deepening your current meditation practice? Then let me recommend Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation to you. And fortunately I can do more than recommend it. Feldman’s publisher Rodmell Press has again generously donated a book to give away to one commenter. Just leave a comment, and on May 14 I will randomly select a winner to receive this beautiful introduction to meditation.

Join me on my quest for more mindful living. Through meditation we can learn to find acceptance of our illness and joy in the meaningful act of living.

“In your meditation, as in your life, you will have to choose over and over whether to follow the paths of impatience, judgment, frustration, and complexity, or the pathways of patience, acceptance, balance, and simplicity. Increasingly, you will come to understand that the choice lies in your own heart.”

I was surfing around through my old posts, looking for an appropriate one to share, and I came across this post I originally published October 13, 2008, the same month I began my blog.

Selflessly Selfish

I struggle every day with who I am. I am different because of the Fibromyalgia. I am not the independent, fiercely productive person I once was.

Every morning I envy (but am grateful for) my husband and his ability to jump out of bed, hop into the shower, and rush out the door on his way to a destination where he knows his purpose and is able to perform at a high level. I lie in bed with muscle soreness, a dizzy head and complete exhaustion and wonder, “how am I going to contribute today?”

And it is not simply how am I going to contribute to my house and my husband, but how am I going to contribute to my physical and emotional wellbeing, and how am I going to contribute to the world around me.

Sometimes it is the smallest things I do that contribute the most and make me feel the best. I dry my hands on a dishtowel rather than a paper towel. Yippee! I just saved a tree. I pick up the wrapper from a straw that a fellow patron at the coffee shop has let the wind take away. She doesn’t know it, but I do and it makes me feel good.

There are days when I let the wrapper blow away. Days when I tell myself I am in too much pain to bother, but I never feel good about those moments. I always feel that I have given up or given in to the Fibromyalgia. If too many of those moments build up I get depressed, and then it becomes even harder to live productively with FM.

That is the point I am trying to make. I struggle to be a better person for myself. To be someone that, in spite of all that is different in my life, I still feel useful and productive, and that in very small ways I am contributing to my world. By trying to be conscientious and selfless I am being selfish, because I am the one who benefits the most.  And the small things add up.  They really do make a difference.

So what did I do that was so great today? Nothing so far, but the day is not over. I still have time.

Wow! Rereading this post really took me back. It really made me take a moment and reflect on how much has changed in the 18 months since I began this blog.

And that is what I want you to know about me: I have changed. I am different. I am improved.

I am no longer at the mercy of Fibromyalgia. I am a participant in my health, not an onlooker. And I got here by making many small changes:

I created a community, starting with this blog, which brought people like Kathy into my life. I began sharing more and worring less because I have a greater support foundation to rely on.

I began doing research and filtering the abundance of information on Fibromyalgia to determine what fit best for me. I determined a holistic approach was more appropriate for me than the pharmaceutical approach taken by most doctors.

I added supplements to my daily care.

I began practicing yoga and cut gluten out of my diet. Through research, trial, and error (and believe me there were years of error) I found what works for me and my health.

I slowed down…… and took many baby steps to avoid making those painful leaps.

This has been a true journey, and I am so grateful for how far I have come. It was not without work, setbacks, and a lot of effort. But the foundation for my change came from the belief that I could improve, and that it was up to me to figure out how.

I am still frequently tired and dizzy in the mornings. I still have daily symptoms. I am not always able to contribute. But my progress is discernible.

I hope this encourages you. I hope you are able to look closely at your daily habits and routines, and distinguish what nourishes you from what holds you back. There are many components to Fibromyalgia we cannot control. Take a look at what you can, and honor yourself by making the best choices for your particular situation. You can change. You can improve. Believe it!

I’ve been asked this question a lot since returning to work. What did you do before this? It is an interesting question and I don’t think I have decided how to answer it yet.

Do I tell them about the accident that brought my life to a screeching hault? Do I tell them about the months spent struggling to regain my ability to speak coherently? Do I tell them about the pain, the bouts of depression, the fatigue, and general disconnect from life? Do I tell them about starting this blog? Do I tell them how I was so inspired by this blog I started FibroHaven Foundation?

No, I don’t think I should. Essentially what they are asking me is how are you qualified to be in this position? What have you done in your past to allow you to do what you are doing in your present? They want to know what I have done, not what I have been through.

I had many successful years working with Fibromyalgia before the accident. I am plenty qualified. But I am also concerned about how my illness may be perceived. It is something we have discussed at support group meetings in the past. Do you tell your employer/prospective employer that you are living with a chronic illness? If ever there was a slippery slope…

My current employer knows all about FibroHaven and seems completely unphased by it. He is actually quite impressed with what I have accomplished. But early on in my job search I am certain I was not chosen for a position because my potential employer read my blog. He basically patted me on the back and said “You are doing great things with FibroHaven. Keep it up.” This came shortly after he mentioned he has two close relatives with Fibromyalgia. Do you think his experience with them prejudiced his value of me? I do.

So how much do I share? I am not sure. The only thing I am certain of is that I do not want my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia to influence what my colleagues think I am capable of doing. I want my actions to determine my value, not my diagnosis.