I was surfing around through my old posts, looking for an appropriate one to share, and I came across this post I originally published October 13, 2008, the same month I began my blog.

Selflessly Selfish

I struggle every day with who I am. I am different because of the Fibromyalgia. I am not the independent, fiercely productive person I once was.

Every morning I envy (but am grateful for) my husband and his ability to jump out of bed, hop into the shower, and rush out the door on his way to a destination where he knows his purpose and is able to perform at a high level. I lie in bed with muscle soreness, a dizzy head and complete exhaustion and wonder, “how am I going to contribute today?”

And it is not simply how am I going to contribute to my house and my husband, but how am I going to contribute to my physical and emotional wellbeing, and how am I going to contribute to the world around me.

Sometimes it is the smallest things I do that contribute the most and make me feel the best. I dry my hands on a dishtowel rather than a paper towel. Yippee! I just saved a tree. I pick up the wrapper from a straw that a fellow patron at the coffee shop has let the wind take away. She doesn’t know it, but I do and it makes me feel good.

There are days when I let the wrapper blow away. Days when I tell myself I am in too much pain to bother, but I never feel good about those moments. I always feel that I have given up or given in to the Fibromyalgia. If too many of those moments build up I get depressed, and then it becomes even harder to live productively with FM.

That is the point I am trying to make. I struggle to be a better person for myself. To be someone that, in spite of all that is different in my life, I still feel useful and productive, and that in very small ways I am contributing to my world. By trying to be conscientious and selfless I am being selfish, because I am the one who benefits the most.  And the small things add up.  They really do make a difference.

So what did I do that was so great today? Nothing so far, but the day is not over. I still have time.

Wow! Rereading this post really took me back. It really made me take a moment and reflect on how much has changed in the 18 months since I began this blog.

And that is what I want you to know about me: I have changed. I am different. I am improved.

I am no longer at the mercy of Fibromyalgia. I am a participant in my health, not an onlooker. And I got here by making many small changes:

I created a community, starting with this blog, which brought people like Kathy into my life. I began sharing more and worring less because I have a greater support foundation to rely on.

I began doing research and filtering the abundance of information on Fibromyalgia to determine what fit best for me. I determined a holistic approach was more appropriate for me than the pharmaceutical approach taken by most doctors.

I added supplements to my daily care.

I began practicing yoga and cut gluten out of my diet. Through research, trial, and error (and believe me there were years of error) I found what works for me and my health.

I slowed down…… and took many baby steps to avoid making those painful leaps.

This has been a true journey, and I am so grateful for how far I have come. It was not without work, setbacks, and a lot of effort. But the foundation for my change came from the belief that I could improve, and that it was up to me to figure out how.

I am still frequently tired and dizzy in the mornings. I still have daily symptoms. I am not always able to contribute. But my progress is discernible.

I hope this encourages you. I hope you are able to look closely at your daily habits and routines, and distinguish what nourishes you from what holds you back. There are many components to Fibromyalgia we cannot control. Take a look at what you can, and honor yourself by making the best choices for your particular situation. You can change. You can improve. Believe it!

After my first week I am feeling pretty good. I am back in sales. It is what I know and what I have done well for many years. I am really excited about the company I am with now. Very smart, professional internet marketing firm. Great potential for me as long as I do the work and maintain my health. And that is exactly what I plan to do.

I think what I am most concerned about is maintaining balance in my life. For example, I did not make it to yoga this week. My body is letting me know loud and clear that I need to get to a class soon. I have a lot of motivation to make that happen.

I didn’t realize how much I missed being a working professional. I love getting dressed up, getting motivated during sales meetings, going out and meeting with clients and strategizing with them on business opportunities. It is a completely different kind of satisfaction than the satisfaction I have experienced with FibroHaven – plus I get paid for it! Bonus!

I know I am in the honeymoon period with my new career. I know there will be days when I will feel awful and either have to push through it or take the time to recover. But it feels great to contribute again, and it feels even better to know that I did the work to prepare myself to go back to work. I made the changes and the choices that I knew would benefit me. I made the commitment to myself to take back a measurable amount of control of my health and my life.

When I signed on with my new company, I did so as a long-term commitment. But FibroHaven is my long-term commitment too. I plan to document my progress here, sharing what is working and what is not. Discecting what I can do better, and continuing to explore the many alternative and holistic options for better health and wellbeing. I am putting different stresses on my body now, so I may require different tools – like acupuncture. I have always believed I would benefit from acupuncture but could never afford it. Now maybe I can. It is like investing in a good business suit. Neccessary!

So yes, the tone here will be changing – but the voice will remain the same – all me. I will have some big decisions to make about my support group too. That may be a commitment I cannot continue, but there is time to figure that out. I have time. I have options. I have hope.

I saw this great quote on facebook the other day and I put it in my status:

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present. ~ Rabindranath Tagore

There is always a door. One way or another, there is always a door.

We all know that. So if change is constant, the only variable then is in our ability to adapt.

I was watching the Amazing Race Sunday night. It really is an interesting study on human nature and the ability to adapt to constant change – to the unknown. It is remarkable how certain temperaments rise to the top as they excel at adapting to unknown situations, while others battle themselves and their own teammates while flailing wildly at the unknown.

The ever important clue box is a great example of what I mean. Teams are given a general direction and told “that is where you will find your next clue.” So each team approaches the area not sure exactly where they must go.

Some teams calmly read their directions for more clues and talk it through, looking around together until they spot the box.

Other teams divide up to cover more ground, keeping each other updated and staying connected with their voices.

Then there are the teams that run around wildly yelling at each other, oblivious to the details of their surroundings. These are the teams that usually run past the box three or four times before spotting it. They are frantic and manic. They are out of breath, angry with each other, and completely out of tune with their environment.

For years my husband and I have joked we would make a great team on the Amazing Race. If I had to judge, I would say we would be most like the first team type – sticking together to take in our surroundings and find the clues. In fact, I am certain that is the kind of team we would be.

Change is not coming. Change is here.

Last Thursday my husband called me in the middle of his work day, except it was no longer a work day for him. After surviving many rounds of layoffs, this time he was the one terminated. He was calm when he relayed this life altering news to me. “Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no,” was the only thing I could say. But he calmed me down and told me the one thing I believe to be universally true, “We are going to be okay.”

As soon as I slowed down long enough to recognize his calmness and listen to the truth in his words, I knew it was true. We are going to be okay.

Where we have been.

After the accident in late 2006, I tried to get back to working full-time, but my body could not handle the stress of it. My symptoms continued to worsen to the point that we both realized what I needed most was time. After much consideration, and resolving ourselves to the financial adjustments we would need to make, I quit working and have been focusing on my health and wellbeing ever since.

FibroHaven is the product of my time away from working, and I am so proud of what I have created – my blog, my support group, and my facebook community. It is through all of the FibroHaven components that I have learned so much more about who I am, why I have Fibromyalgia, and what I can do to improve my quality of life. I have a new spiritual awareness attained through the many mind-body practices I have introduced to my life, like yoga and meditation.

Each step of my journey away from work and with FibroHaven, whether I was struggling or succeeding, my husband was right there with me – taking it all in, and trying to interpret what it all means.

The time away from the stress of working has been a true gift to me. It has not been easy on our lifestyle. We gave up a lot of the comfort and luxuries that comes with two incomes. I am not healed, I am not cured, but I am better. Well enough that I know it is time for me to contribute again.

Strangely enough, something happened this week to reinforce that it is time for me to change my focus. Everyday I spend a lot of time on FibroHaven’s facebook page. It was a great complement to my blog, and a quick way to share timely, relevant links and Fibromyalgia resources. I was very happy with the work I had been doing.

Monday morning I shared my most recent blog post there, and then went off to my noon yoga class. When I came home and sat down at my computer I headed straight for facebook, but my page was gone:

The page you requested was not found.

It was like a shot to my gut – another loss. All that work gone. Disappeared! Sickening.

Today, I am kind of over it. Sad, yes. Disappointed, sure. But I recognize how much time and effort I spent on it and I realize that my time and effort are best suited elsewhere now.

You see I am part of a team, and my team has had a set back. But we are not out of the race. No way!

Where we are going.

We are not out of the race, because together we have calmly taken in our surroundings and recognized what we need to do to move on. My husband is a talented man. He will find work again. But in the meantime, I need to come off sabbatical and contribute. This means less time to spend on FibroHaven.

Not to worry. My blog is here to stay. I will just have less time for all the ancillary projects – like the now gone facebook page, and like my local support group. I am cutting meetings from two a month down to one, and I will be asking for someone to step up and assist me in running the group. There were also several other things I have been working on that will either not happen, or will have to wait.

Yesterday was our 6 year wedding anniversary. We spent the day focused and excited about our future. Change is here and we are ready to adapt – calmly, and together. I can’t wait to see where the next clue takes us.

Working from home may be one of the best things to come from living with Fibromyalgia.  I have been forced to adjust my career to allow for flare-ups and for days when I am not suitable for human consumption.  It has been a gradual transition from the full-time job I had when I was first diagnosed, to my current career as a freelance writer and homebody, but I am very pleased with the direction my career has taken.

The doctor who diagnosed me told me plainly and simply, “You are going to have to change your life, and most definitely your career, but you will be able to live and work productively with Fibromyalgia.”  I did not realize it at the time, but by saying that she had given me a gift, and her words play a huge part in how I have approached living with Fibromyalgia.  And the accident too, it also played a huge part in the changes I have made – forced change if you will.  I understand that I cannot be productive the way I once was.  I can no longer work a routine schedule set by the needs of an employer, but I am still capable of working at my pace.  So I have found a career to suit my needs and stimulate my mind.  So far it has been very satisfying, if not yet financially rewarding.  And now here I sit at my desk, which is an old refurbished army desk from my husband’s Dad, in my lovely antique chair that my husband procured for me off Craigslist.  I sit here each day and feel lucky to have the opportunity to pursue a writing career in the comforts of my own home with all the benefits it affords.

For instance, I get to spend the day with my lab Casey curled up behind me in her favorite leather chair.  She is thirteen and has endured a lot this year – 4 surgeries to open her scarred esophagus and later an awful stomach infection.  She is old, skinny, and riddled with arthritis, but she is a happy girl and it brings me great comfort spending every day with her, and feeling her constant presence behind me.  I have found there is a rhythm to the sound of her snore and it soothes me.

The coffee breaks are better when you work form home.  If I decide to go out for my break I have several nearby coffee shops to choose from, and I get to take my work with me.  How great is that?  It is a good way to stimulate my brain and usually gives me new and fresh ideas for my writing.  It is also a good way to counteract the isolation of working from home and to remind myself that the world is still abuzz with activity.

Working from home has helped save our budget too.  Previously I was a commissioned sales rep and traveled 3 counties to visit accounts.  I had to spend money to make money.  Not just on gas, but on lunches, and supplies, and general wear and tear on my car, and also on my wardrobe.  A sales rep lifestyle is expensive.  Now I can do everything from my desk, and who cares what I am wearing!

You have to be disciplined to work from home otherwise you lose a lot of valuable time.  I am fortunate (when I am not sidelined by a flare-up) to not have issues with this so far, and mostly that is because I love writing and when I am not writing I am doing research for my writing, which I enjoy as much if not more.  There are so many freelance writing opportunities on the Web on such varied topics.  It is fascinating and I feel constantly driven to get my piece of it.  I am not the most accomplished author, but check back with me soon!

Despite my limitations, I still need to feel productive.  I need to feel like I am contributing to my life.  I cannot give in to the pain.  I will not let it defeat me.  Disability is not an option.  That is what my doctor told me eleven years ago.  That was her gift to me and I hold onto it tightly.  It is because of her gift that I sit here today in my antique chair; at my refurbished army desk; with my cup of coffee and my lab Casey, and write these words that few will read.  But these words will lead to the next, each one building the foundation of my new career.  Just think, without the Fibromyalgia, I may never have made this leap.  I am not quite ready to “thank” my Fibromyalgia, but I do acknowledge that it just might be taking me to a better place.  I hope it not to be with me when I get there!