How often have we struggled with our new reality?

How often have we grown weary and frustrated with trying to decide who we are and how we now matter?

How often have we wondered if it will ever get better?

For many years I ignored and hid my struggles. My symptoms were moderate enough for me to do so, and the only person who really knew my reality was my husband. But then my crash came and the days of pretending were over. I was faced with having to accept a version of myself that I thought was weaker, useless, less than. It took me a long time (and it is something I continuously work on) to determine that I still matter – that I can still have a purpose. I may never have the freedom again that comes with perfect health, but that does not mean I cannot have a meaningful and inspiring life. My mind still reflects back to the “healthy” me, and there are days I long to be her, but I have found a sense of value and purpose in the chronically ill me. I am whole, despite all that is missing. And truthfully, I like the new me more than I ever did the active and successful (and high strung and stressed out) former me.

Now how do I share my personal epiphany and encourage my new member without sounding preachy or all-knowing? Because if you read my blog regularly, you know I do not have all the answers. I am a work in progress, and I do a lot of my work in a very public way by sharing it here.

My message to my new member was this: Until you learn to let go of who you were, and accept who you currently are, you will not be able to move forward. You will be stuck trying to get back to a “you” your body is no longer capable of being. By continually looking back, you are fostering frustration and anger rather than acceptance and possibility. Examine who you are now, come to terms with it, and then make a plan to move forward.

Accepting where you currently are is not the same as accepting you will always be in this state. It is simply the first step in readying yourself to move forward. You need to be aware and honest with yourself so you can focus on doing the things that are within your ability that will help you move forward. Let go of what you used to be able to do, and work within your current capabilities. And it is work. But you can improve. You can get better. But only by letting go, and working to move forward.

We all have interests and desires and passions. Some we have had to let go and can be no more to us than comforting memories of the past. But others are still attainable and aid us in moving forward. For me, it is my writing. Some days my brain and body will not cooperate so I don’t even try. There are days when it is too miserable to sit at my computer, but my brain is active and swirling with great writing ideas. Now if I were totally together and on top of things, I would make myself comfortable on those days and use an audio recorder to capture the words running through my brain. But do I? No – not yet. I am a work in progress.

But here is the thing, by accepting where I am, I have opened the door and stepped out onto the path towards improvement and growth. I do not know exactly where I am going, I just know I refuse to stay still. Each day I carve out a new piece of my path. Somedays I make great progress, others I just kick some dirt around and examine the scenery. But the one thing I will never do on my path is just lay down and let the weeds grow over me. I like myself way too much to do that, and I am too excited to see where my road is leading.

Sometimes I try to set grandiose intentions – freedom from all pain, anxiety, and conflict in my life, from here until eternity. Sure, that can happen in an hour. Usually, I am still staring at the blank slate of my mind when the instructor has moved on, so I just skip setting my intention. But then I am left feeling like I missed out on an opportunity.

Today the opportunity came up again; “What is your intention?” And out of nowhere it came to me – Just let go. That was it. That simple. My intention was to let go. No more focusing on what I thought should be happening or what I might be missing out on, just be in the moment and experience it. And experience it I did. It was my best practice by far. My focus was completely on my body, the movement, and what I was experiencing. I found myself more stable and comfortable in poses that are normally problematic for me. My balance was greater. My range of motion was better. My focus was clearer. I found a wonderful balance between effort and ease. It really was a joyful practice.

At the end of each session we get into my favorite pose – savasana. That is the time where it all comes together for me. I can feel how my muscles have loosened and elongated. I can feel how the tension has left my neck and upper back. It is a time of complete joy and peace for me – my favorite part of every practice. Today I felt especially connected to everything; to the mat beneath me, to the music swirling through my body, to my breath as it expanded my abdomen and sustained me from the inside. If I didn’t discover that ancient yoga secret today, then there isn’t one.

And how simple really, I just let go and let myself be in the moment instead of in my head. Now really, isn’t this a concept we can apply to every aspect of our lives. How much less stressful would life be if we could learn to let go of what we believe is expected of us, and just be who we are in every given moment? I am probably the least flexible person in most of my yoga classes, but each stretch benefits me just as much as it does my 60 year-old neighbor who can reach her toes with ease. I need to remember that.

Today was a great experience of just letting go, but it took me many yoga practices to get there. It is something I am going to have to continue practicing too. Practice letting go. Practice being in the moment. Practice acceptance of where you are, and then you can work on reaching where you want to be. I want to touch my toes with ease one day, but it will never happen if I don’t practice.