Last May I challenged myself to a 30 day writing project. My thought being, it takes roughly 30 days to develop a habit, so for each day in May I wrote a blog post. It was a success on some levels, but I failed at making writing a daily habit.

Writing is a form of meditation for me. I write more than what you see here on my blog. I do not always enjoy the process of writing, but I enjoy it most when I am singularly focused on it and my only purpose is on finishing my current sentence and thought. I love those moments when I am completely absorbed in the act of writing.

“Learning to be mindful and present, clear and attentive is the doorway to a life of depth and joy.”

Mindfulness is something I seek to achieve in all aspects of my life – writing, relationships, work, eating, exercise. I want to be happy and present in what I am doing in the moment, not regretful of my past, or anxious of my future. I want to learn to be present in the now, and find a greater joy in the present. I believe meditation is a path to the joy I seek.

I have dabbled with meditation – taking a group class here, listening to a guiding voice there. Each experience with meditation has been restorative and encouraging, but my knowledge and understanding of it is relatively minimal. So this May I am challenging myself to another 30 day project.

For the next 30 days I am going to explore different types of meditation, and practice meditating for at least 20 minutes each day. My goal over the next 30 days is to learn more about the many styles of meditation, and to find the one (0r ones) most compatible with my needs. I also hope in the process to establish a habit, and continue beyond May to dedicate the time each day to meditate.

“There is no end to the meditative process: it is a lifelong practice that can be undertaken by anyone, regardless of age and spiritual beliefs, and there is no right or wrong time to start on your meditative path.”

I am beginning my meditation journey with a book that is intended to help readers begin a meditative path, Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation,  by Christina Feldman.

Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation is a beautiful book, filled with soothing images and helpful charts. Organized in a way to guide the beginner from the basics – how to meditate, when to meditate, where to meditate – through the styles and obstacles of meditation, Feldman’s book opens a simple and straightforward door to meditation. There are no rights and wrongs in Feldman’s meditation teaching, only loving kindness and heartfelt communication.

“Meditative teaching is not an exhortation or demand but an invitation to explore the ways of walking new paths of mindfulness and wakefulness. It is an invitation to discover a deeper well-being and inner richness that can transform every aspect of our lives.”

One of my goals for my journey into meditation is, according to Feldman, one of the central teachings of meditation: to be at ease with the events of my mind and body.

We all know that even in the mildest flare, we can become consumed and overwhelmed by the pain we are experiencing – and even by the pain we are not currently experiencing, but are remembering and anticipating. Pain is a powerful motivator for fear and anxiety. I believe it is possible to overcome fear and anxiety, and I believe meditation can help by teaching me compassion, peace, and understanding.

“Understanding: Central to the Buddhist path is the understanding that we cannot avoid aging, sickness, or death. We cannot avoid all loss, sorrow, and heartache, and the endeavor to do so only magnifies pain. We do begin to see that confusion, agitation, fear, and stress may become optional in our lives.”

Fear and stress are an option? If this is so, I doubt we can just accept that it is. At least for me I know it will take practice to learn to let go of my ingrained responses and accept joy. I want to learn to find the joy that exists with the pain. I believe it is there. I just need to learn how to find it.

“Meditation is not about avoiding or softening the blow of moments of conflict and difficulty that we are bound to encounter during our lives. Rather it is a means to approach these moments with clarity, understanding, and calm.”

Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation is so rich in thought, context, and instruction, I am certain it will serve my desire to develop a regular meditation practice to reread it several times. It is simple and approachable, but Christina Feldman has packed so much guidance and wisdom into its short 96 pages, each time I open it a new passage jumps out at me. Just look back over all of the above quotes and you can see the richness of concepts and wisdom Feldman shares. It is a great tool to begin my journey into meditation.

Are you interested in learning how to meditate, or in deepening your current meditation practice? Then let me recommend Beginner’s Guide to Buddhist Meditation to you. And fortunately I can do more than recommend it. Feldman’s publisher Rodmell Press has again generously donated a book to give away to one commenter. Just leave a comment, and on May 14 I will randomly select a winner to receive this beautiful introduction to meditation.

Join me on my quest for more mindful living. Through meditation we can learn to find acceptance of our illness and joy in the meaningful act of living.

“In your meditation, as in your life, you will have to choose over and over whether to follow the paths of impatience, judgment, frustration, and complexity, or the pathways of patience, acceptance, balance, and simplicity. Increasingly, you will come to understand that the choice lies in your own heart.”

My Favorite Posts from the Last 30 Days

1. I Do Not Want to Think About Fibromyalgia Everyday - This post came on day three of my assignment when I realized the reason I have not been writing about Fibromyalgia everyday is because I do not want to THINK about Fibromyalgia everyday. I really enjoyed this post because I got to shout out loud, “I am more than my diagnosis!”
2. Secrets of My Soul - Every secret of a writer’s soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind is written large in his works. – Virginia Woolf. This is a piece from a creative non-fiction/personal essay class I am taking.
3. Conversation on Isolation - This started as a conversation in the comments of a previous post, but I made it into a new post to continue the conversation, and also to applaud the commenter, Kathy, for speaking out and holding me accountable for my word choice.
4. Practice May Not Make Perfect, But it Can Make a Habit - Hope that my 30-in-30 writing assignment will make writing more habitual for me.
5. Things I Love #6: My New Office - My new Fibromyalgia friendly office. Love it!
6. The Law of Detachment - In order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it – and how this applies to me and my support group.
7. Misery Loves Company - Where I proceed to rip apart the most ignorant, inaccurate and judgmental acupuncturist to every treat Fibromyalgia. His article perpetuates every negative and inaccurate assumption about Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.
8. My Six-Word Memoir - I have pain, therefore I am. NOTE: I have pain, but I am not my pain. Look for a post soon on “I am…”
9. Fibromyalgia Affects Everyone: An Interview with My Niece - I interviewed my 13 year old niece about her thoughts on having an Auntie with Fibromyalgia and how it affects her. Maybe my favorite of my favorite posts.

Most Informative Pieces from the Last 30 Days

1. Why I Love Yoga, and Why You Will Too - I cannot emphasis enough how much I have come to love yoga and the improvements in my symptoms since I began practicing several weeks ago. This post is my attempt to entice you to try yoga for yourself.
2. New Book on Fibromyalgia – Claims to Fill in the Missing Pieces - Information from a press release I received – not an endorsement.
3. Bloggers Unite for Fibromyalgia Awareness Day - On Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, I shared how some of my fellow bloggers acknowledged the significance of the day on their blogs. Great way to discover some new bloggers.
4. Review: Treating Fibromyalgia Naturally — So You Can Shine Again – From the womentowomen.com newsletter. I found this to be a very realistic, in touch and accurate assessment of Fibromyalgia.
5. Online Social Networking for Fibromyalgia Support and Information - Part one in my series on Fibromyalgia support and information – focus on social networking sites.
6. Online Forums for Fibromyalgia Support and Information - Part two in my series on Fibromyalgia support and information – focus on online forums and support groups.
7. Online Resources for Fibromyalgia Support and Information - Part three in my series on Fibromyalgia support and information – focus on blogs and general resources.
8. Join Hillary for Her Next Teleseminar - I continue to follow and recommend the meaningful work of Hillary Rubin and her inspirational message about embracing your diagnosis as a gift, teacher and blessing.
9. Self-hypnosis for Treatment of Fibromyalgia - Just one more possible tool for our toolboxes.

There were Three Holidays/Days of Observance in the Month of May

1. Are You Aware? Fibromyalgia Awareness Day is May 12 - In 1993, May 12 was designated as the International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases. The National Fibromyalgia Association (NFA) joined the Awareness Day effort in 1997 and has led the call for increased recognition of fibromyalgia each May 12.
2. In Honor of Every Mom Living with Chronic Illness - Happy Mother’s Day!
3. Take a Minute and Pause - In observance of Memorial Day.

Fun and Mindless Posts I Wrote on What Normally Would Have Been a Down Day

1. 15 Counterproductive, Needless, and Delaying Things I Did Today - I had a lot of fun with this post, and if you have not yet watched the 2 minute video on procrastination, it is a must! Maybe I should move this up into my favorite posts category.
2. Best Chocolate Cake Ever! Just Happens to be Gluten Free – Yummm!
3. It’s a Down Day – Example of a post I never would have written were it not for my assignment. It was day 12 and I was feeling awful, but committed to completing my assignment. Not much of an effort, but much better than giving up!
4. Taking the Easy Way Out – Day 13 was not much better, so I copied 25 Random Things About Me from my facebook page and posted it here. It was the easy way out, but it still honored my commitment. Yea me!
5. Recognize My Wall? – Just another bad day.
6. Another Careless Doctor to Avoid – Found something quick and simple to write about, but that doesn’t mean it is not worth the read.

So there it is, my last thirty days! I am seriously impressed with what I was able to accomplish, and very proud that I never gave up. There were moments – as early as day three – when I wondered “why did I do this to myself?” and I had several loving and caring people in my life tell me to take it easy and not demand too much of myself. It really would have been easy and perfectly understandable to quit on one of the many bad days I had throughout the month, but that is just not me.

Fibromyalgia has taken many things away from me, but I am still the same determined, stubborn and resilient person I have always been. I still have the abilities that made me a top sales rep at my previous job, I just need to apply them in a new and less demanding direction.

You know the saying “objects in motion stay in motion,” well this was my mantra when I was in sales. The more I got out there everyday to visit accounts, the more new accounts and new sales seemed to fall into my lap. Wouldn’t you know it, the same thing happened in the middle of this writing assignment. I picked up a new monthly newsletter that I am going to be writing for, and something else so exciting I have to wait until everything is finalized before I share it with you. Fibromyalgia or not, very cool things can happen if you believe in yourself, honor your passions, and never give up on your potential.

The following is something I did on facebook in February. You know those annoying things people do and then tag you to do one of your own? Well I did one and here it is. I apologize to any of you who already read it on facebook. You have my permission to move along. Nothing new to see here (although I have updated a few for accuracy).

25 Random Things About Me

1. I am an extremely private person and one of the least likely people to actually do something like this.

2. Facebook and my blog are forcing me to be less private and so far it has been a good thing for me. Please do not use any of the following facts about me to steal my identity. You would damage the new comfort I have with public exposure.

3. I am not good at small talk. If I am in a conversation it is because I am genuinely interested in the person and interested in a substantial conversation.

4. I love learning about people and listening to them share. This led me to major in Psychology when I first entered college, but I hated it. Eventually I changed my major to English Lit and found my true passion.

5. If I could spend the rest of my professional career reading, analyzing, critiquing and writing about Literature I would be in heaven. And yet I am not interested in becoming a teacher.

6. It took me 16 years of going to school part-time in the evenings to finish my degree. I think it is my greatest accomplishment because it would have been so easy to give up, and I almost did, many times. I did not walk in my graduation ceremony and that is my greatest regret.

7. My sister is proud of my accomplishments. She cheers me on in all of my endeavors. She is my biggest fan and my best friend. I love her dearly.

8. I have had several great romances in my life. I feel fortunate to have shared the parts of my past that I did with each of them.

9. I married the greatest love of my life. Rob is my best friend (yes, I have more than one best friend), and a perfect compliment for me.

10. We dated for 8 years before we married. In October of 2003 we eloped to Kauai with his brother and sister-in-law. My dad & sister crashed our wedding and made it truly the happiest day of my life.

11. Sometimes I have an unnatural fear that something tragic is going to separate us, because I know neither of us would ever willingly leave the other. Sometimes I worry that we are too good to be true or to last forever.

12. I feel like I am on my therapist’s couch, and I am a little panicked because I just realized I am only on number 12. I have to reveal 13 more things about myself? SHIT! I swear sometimes.

13. I have been offered the job from every job interview I have ever been on. This fact was in the back of my mind when I was deep in the interview process at Hay House Publishing. It was for one of my dream jobs – assistant editor – but I knew I could not manage the four, ten hour days that would have been required of me. I withdrew myself from consideration and am still often sick about it. A healthy me would have landed the job and ROCKED it! Just another reason Fibromyalgia SUCKS (see #17)!

14. I have an extreme aversion to feet. I think ALL feet are grotesque, and yet on every vacation my husband and I take photos of our feet. One day we plan to make a vacation album featuring our feet and all the places they have been.

Hawaii 10/08

15. I am still close with my best friends from high school. We had more fun together than a group of young girls should be allowed. We helped each other through some pretty tough times too. Some day I plan to tell all of our tales in a book. It may be best for us if our parents are not allowed to read it.

16. I was not allowed to walk in my high school graduation because on the night of our senior boat cruise, I jumped overboard into the Newport Harbor with 2 of my best friends. Yes there was alcohol involved, and no I do not regret it. It was an intense moment for all of us, a sort of baptism into the real world. At the senior breakfast the next day everyone was calling us “splash,” and no one turned us in. It took a while but they figured out which 3 students were involved. Seriously, it was a stupid thing to do, and yet we all three still say it was worth it.

17. I have Fibromyalgia and I live every day with pain and fatigue. Some days it is manageable, some days it is unbearable. I believe that one day I will be free of Fibromyalgia. I started my blog to help me learn to live better with it, and to do research to help me one day live without it. (This was actually news to some of my friends on facebook when I wrote this back in February. I am living more honestly now thanks to my blog.)

18. I also started a support group. There are 52 members in my group and I take a lot of pride in sharing what I have learned, and looking for new information to help all of us live better. I avoid things that foster negativity or victimization. I think I am a natural leader.

19. I am also a control freak! This may be why I think I am a natural leader, because I tend to take control and do things my way. But my way is the best way, right? Isn’t that what all control freaks think?

20. I think my husband appreciates that I am a control freak (most of the time). That way he gets to be a slacker and there are no repercussions. See, I told you we are the perfect compliments for each other. P.S. He is really not a slacker.

21. I started watching General Hospital the summer I turned 8 years old. I still watch General Hospital. I turn 40 this summer. I can’t believe I just admitted that! The GH part – not the 40 part. I am actually looking forward to turning 40.

22. I have a dry, cutting sense of humor I inherited from my father. Most of my best traits come from him.

23. One of my favorite childhood memories is of a time I made my dad laugh. We were up late watching SNL. Meatloaf was the musical guest and it was the first time I had ever seen him. He took the stage and I made the comment that he looked more like a meatball to me. My dad laughed so hard he cried. It made me happy to make him so happy.

24. My mom left when I was 6 and my sister was 9. My dad raised us for several years alone which was very hard on him, and which is why I still remember vividly that moment when I made him laugh. He is my hero.

25. This has been a fun little exercise, but I do not think you can truly get to know anyone from a list of 25 things. People are more wonderful and complex than that.

13/30

When I got up this morning my first thought wasn’t “I wonder what new and exciting thing happened in the world of Fibromyalgia overnight.” No, it was more along the lines of “Mmmm, coffee.” and “Do I want eggs or cereal for breakfast?” “How cool is it that Rice Chex are gluten free so I can have cereal for breakfast!” “Shit! I better get that check in the mail today!” Nope, nothing Fibromyalgia related until it was time to sit down and write. So now maybe I am thinking that to successfully pull off my 30 in 30, I may be writing some posts not specific to Fibromyalgia, but more specific to the mundane nature of my thoughts. Hope you all don’t mind!

I guess in a way you will get to know me better. For example you now know I swear occasionally! I have actually considered on several occasions starting another blog dedicated to my thoughts on life in general – politics, news, pop culture, stupid people, etc.. I even had a tag line in mind – “This is my space, these are my thoughts, so SUCK IT!” It makes me laugh every time I think of it, but I could never keep up that level of angst. It is just not me. It is obvious by the tag line that I am anticipating backlash to running my mouth off, and why would I ever willingly invite that kind of stress into my life? I will just keep writing those kind of posts in my head! An internal monologue on life. Now that is a great title!

So that is my little dilemma for today. How to keep up the integrity of my blog and complete my writing assignment without forcing the content? I will figure it out. It is really more of an opportunity than a dilemma. It reminds me of a great excerpt from Steven King’s memoir On Writing:

I had been playing with the idea of writing a little book about writing for a year or more at that time, but had held back because I didn’t trust my own motivations – why did I want to write about writing? What made me think I had anything worth saying?

The easy answer is that someone who has sold as many books of fiction as I have must have something worthwhile to say about writing it, but the easy answer isn’t always the truth. Colonel Sanders sold a hell of a lot of fried chicken, but I’m not sure anyone wants to know how he made it. If I was going to be presumptuous enough to tell people how to write, I felt there had to be a better reason than my popular success. Put another way, I didn’t want to write a book, even a short one like this, that would leave me feeling like either a literary gas-bag or a transcendental asshole. There are enough of those books – and those writers – on the market already, thanks. (King, 8-9)

As startling as it was for a moment to recognize that the great Stephen King (author of an uber number of novels) doubted his own purpose of writing a book on writing, once I digested it, it almost came as a relief to me. On a much less prolific scale I get it! I had those same thoughts when I first began Fibromyalgia Haven several months ago, and I am having those doubts again as I consider an alteration of format. I do not want to be a gas-bag or asshole either!

So bear with me as I navigate these new waters. My content is still very important to me and I am going to be diligent about finding my new balance. This blog is and forever will be dedicated to Fibromyalgia, but after reading Stephen King’s book on writing, I realize it is okay to add a little personal flare here and there. And I promise, I will keep the swearing to a minimum.

3/30

It began as an average Sunday morning – sleep in, go to a leisurely breakfast at our favorite cafe, hit the grocery store and buy something to grill for dinner, head back to the house, walk the dog and then assume the position – me at my computer and Rob wherever he lands with his laptop. Rob made a call to one of his friends who just happened to mention he was walking around Balboa Park at the Healing Arts Festival. “The what?” I said. “The Healing Arts Festival?” “What is it and why didn’t I know about it?” So I immediately got online and looked it up.

The festival was organized and sponsored by The Alternative Healing Network, 501(c)(3) non-profit of San Diego. Their purpose is to educate the community and promote the use of alternative medicine as a path to increased health and well-being. Sounds like a great event right? We thought so too so we hopped in the car and headed down there. 

It was a beautiful day in San Diego today and the park was packed. Tons of natural health booths, two stages with bands playing, yoga and qi gong sessions going on, and people everywhere. I am pretty sure dog beach was deserted today because there were almost as many dogs as people at the festival. So we walked around and I made as many contacts and connections as I could. I am always on the lookout for health and wellness information to share with my fibromyalgia support group, and a new potential guest speaker to come share their expertise at one of our educational meetings. I was not let down.

I don’t know what it is about the holistic community, but by far, they are the community most eager to help and share their knowledge and skills with my group. They are truly and genuinely interested in what I am trying to achieve as a group leader, and also in helping each and everyone of the members improve our health and well being. They are sympathetic and understanding of chronic illness, but believe strongly that our health and quality of life can improve, and they are passionate about helping us learn how. Of course they have a financial interest when they donate their time to come speak at our meetings. Of course they are hoping to gain new patients and of course their services are not free. They did not spend 9 hours today manning their booths for the simple joy of it. They did it to increase community knowledge and awareness of alternative medicine and healing. Participate in a yoga session, lay down for a free massage, and then sit down and experience the healing effects of music. Sounds like a nice time doesn’t it? And what a bonus to head home feeling better and stronger than when you left. Some of the practices may call for a more open mind then others, but they are all meant to help heal the body, achieve emotional freedom, and improve ones quality of life. 

I am overjoyed with the contacts I made today, especially the great contact I made with the Chopra Center, and so glad that we made the spontaneous decision to head down there. Of course it means that now I am sitting here writing my post at 8:30 at night. But as long as I get it in by midnight, I will get an A on my writing assignment for the day. I should have been a teacher. I am such an easy grader!

2/30