Maybe it is because I am just coming out of a two week flare-up I brought on by over doing it at the gym.

Maybe it is because it has been many nights since I have been able to put together more than a couple of hours of deep, restorative sleep.

Maybe it is because…

Because…

Uhhh, I forgot what I was going to say here.

Maybe it is because there is a lot happening in the world of Fibromyalgia right now and I can’t focus on just one thing long enough to write about it.

Maybe it is because it is cold and rainy in San Diego right now, and if I wanted to live where it was cold enough to freeze my muscles with pain I wouldn’t be living in San Diego!

Maybe it is because instead of making myself eggs for breakfast yesterday, I went out and had coffee and a cheese danish – yeah that’s right – BRAIN FOOD!

Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, blah, blah, blah! Whatever!

Then I saw Letterman last night and I realized, it could be worse.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXpYk7WGN5Y]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkgZFI4ZT0I]

My first exposure was to a yahoo support group for Fibromyalgia. It did not take me long to realize that it was not the place for me. Each person on there had a signature which listed all of their illnesses and health complaints. The longer the list the more clout you had. People were listing every trivial thing wrong with them in an attempt to make their signatures longer. I was really turned off to it, and it did not help that I could not find an informative message thread that I was interested enough to contribute to. But to prove that “value” is not the right word I am going to address that this group clearly did have value as it had a lot of members – over a thousand if I remember correctly – and they all seemed very happy with their labels. From my perspective it was a group that embraced victimization and was not so much looking for answers to questions and improvement to their health as they were looking for a community of fellow complainers. Again, this is my perspective.

Since starting this blog I have researched many other online groups, and there are some great ones out there – great to me that is, which is purely subjective. Maybe that is the word. Maybe “subjectiveness” works where “value” does not because it is all subjective. It is a matter of taste, preference and compatibility. I belong to one in particular where I am constantly impressed with the thoughtful and informative topics that are discussed. I am impressed because that is what I am looking for in a group and that is the type of group in which I feel comfortable sharing. But sharing in an online forum can still be isolating and impersonal, which leads me to some of the things I have been struggling with.

Even on my favorite message boards, I see people who go unnoticed and unheard. I see people reaching out and getting no response. Last night for instance I found the following two posts by the same person to which there were no replies.

Post One 

does anyone live in california in the san bernardino area? looking for support and and new friends.

Post Two

i feel so alone right now. just wonderd if there was anyone close to me or does everyone live so far away..

These posts broke my heart when I read them. I did respond to her with information on a local support group in her area, but it really got me to thinking afterwards. How many posts like this go unnoticed? How is she left feeling about her exposure and the group after this experience? How much responsibility do we have as members to reach out and help her? How much responsibility does she have to find the right online group for her needs? Is she even interested in the information I gave her?

These are my thoughts on a Monday morning and they have left me melancholy. I do not have the answers, but I do feel a responsibility and a need to authenticate my contribution to these boards. It may take me sometime to contemplate all of this, but then again, whatever I come up with, it will all be purely subjective. Welcome to my brain!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YC2Q3FdpX6I]

P.S. I love Annie Lennox!

I wasn’t going to talk about it.  I probably shouldn’t talk about it.  But now I am going to talk about it.

I have spent the last few weeks preparing for a deposition for a lawsuit I am involved in.  I have filed a claim against the insurance of a person who rear-ended me.  I will not go into the details, but they are 100% liable, and the insurance company is 100% trying to screw me!

This accident has changed my entire life.  I gave up my lucrative sales position because I could no longer maintain my territory.  I have suffered tremendous pain as a result of the accident and my Fibromyalgia has become much worse.  The last two years since the accident have been hell – physically and emotionally.

Before then I was able to work full-time and live a relatively normal life with Fibromyalgia.  Sure I had my flare-ups and my bad days, but it has been one continuous bad day since the accident.  And if the pain wasn’t bad enough, the financial burden it has placed on my husband and me is enough to end most marriages.

And now they are dissecting my life as though I were a criminal on trial.  I have to provide them with 10 plus years of medical records; all of my personal tax and banking information from the past 7 years; plus all of my sales and commission reports from 3 years before the accident until now.  UNBELIEVABLE!!!

So if I have neglected my blog for the past few days this is why.  I have been searching through boxes and files to come up with everything they need.  I do not want to give them any ammunition to lowball my claim any further.  Every time I answer the pages and pages of questions they have and provide them with the documents they need, they come up with more!  I don’t know about you, but I do not organize my life so that I am readily prepared for this type of inquisition.  Plain and simple, this has been a bitch.

When this is all settled and over, I am going to go into the details.  I am going to tell you all every painful detail of this experience that has been the underlying force behind my every thought, feeling and emotion over the past two years.  Seriously, this accident has influenced my life more than any other event in my adult life.  I am a believer that something good comes out of everything bad.  Well, it better be something REALLY good, and it better come soon!

Ok, so maybe the second point isn’t exactly accurate, but the first one certainly is. And because I cannot make a point without doing some research to back it up, here is a list of the health benefits of laughter:

A good hearty laugh can help:

• reduce stress
• lower blood pressure
• elevate mood
• boost immune system
• improve brain functioning
• protect the heart
• connect you to others
• foster instant relaxation
• make you feel good.

So in an effort to improve our brain functions and elevate a mood or two, I thought I would compose a few jokes about Fibromyalgia.  Here goes.

Knock Knock!

Whose there?

Boo.

Boo, who?

Don’t cry, your brain will come out of the fog eventually!

Ohhh!  That was really bad!  Okay.  I am going to try again.

How did the girl with Fibromyalgia make the kleenex dance?

She put a little boogie in it!

Better?  No.  Should I keep going?  No.  Okay.  So I am not a world class comedian. I cannot be relied upon to bring laughter to the lives of people with Fibromyalgia. But maybe this little guy can.  I asked him what I should do with all the jokes I had written down and this was his response!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY]

I have a headache.  My neck is killing me.  I hurt.  I can’t believe how much pain I am in.

I have made these or similar other complaints to my husband so many times that I wonder if he even hears them any more, or if he just knows based on my posture and my mood and my tone of voice.  I mean really, how many times can he hear the same thing without becoming somewhat numb to it, desensitized.

But my pain still shocks me.  It still surprises me.  It still has the ability to make me wonder how can I hurt this badly and still be functioning?  I am not functioning very well today.

Whatever mechanism in my body that allows me to sometimes forget, the same mechanism that enables women to give birth more than once, I am very grateful to it.  I will hurt today, to a point that my breath becomes labored and wiping my ass is a chore.  Crass I know, but true.  I may hurt this bad for several days, but it will eventually let up.  It will eventually become a quiet, more gentle pain rather than the screaming and angry pain it is today.  And then I will have a chance to catch my breath and forget – until it comes back again.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLOXUbzOp2o]

THE TENTH BOOK OF HOMER’S ODYSSEYS.

But when the haven we found,

Our whole fleet in we got; in receit

Our ships lay anchor’d close. Nor needed we

Fear harm on any stays, Tranquility

So purely sat there, that waves great nor small

Did ever rise to any height at all.

Did you read it?  You should read it again.

…Nor needed we

Fear harm on any stays…

What a wonderful feeling!  To have found a sanctuary where there is no fear of harm.  Blissful.

…Tranquility

So purely sat there…

Exactly what I want this to be for all of us – a little place of tranquility where we can go each day.  Couldn’t we all use a place like that?

American Heritage Dictionary defines Haven:

Noun

1. A harbor or anchorage; a port
2. A place of refuge or rest; a sanctuary

I chose Fibromyalgia Haven as the name of my blog for very specific reasons.  I want this site to be a place of safety, a shelter for sufferers of Fibromyalgia and the people who support them; a place of understanding and community; a place where the certainty of Fibromyalgia is understood and does not need to be explained, but simply explored.  It is my sincerest hope that I am able to attain this, for all of us.

image by Chris A Rusnak; http://snak.deviantart.com/